The Grace of God

Many people asked me why I named my baby girl "Charis" & what does it mean? When I was pregnant, we chose that name without qualms. "Charis" means "God's grace" in Greek. Not only was she a gift from God, but she had been born with God's grace over her & our lives.

2 doctors we consulted told me that I would have difficulty conceiving. Even if I managed to conceive, there would be a high chance of miscarriage.

Months later, I was pregnant. There was no miscarriage, & Charis was born.

In my earlier blog entries shared during my pregnancy, Charis did have some medical complications as a foetus. I had to rely on medication to stabilize her & help her to grow in my womb. It wasn't a smooth nor easy pregnancy.

She had to be born prematurely at 35 weeks by induced labour due to her medical condition. Not only was she not growing, but the water level in my womb was also declining rapidly at a dangerous rate towards the 7th month of my pregnancy term.

She hasn't grow well inside of me due to her medical condition. Thus when she was born, she was sooOoOo small. Weighing only 2.4kg, everyone would comment upon seeing her, "She's so small! She's the tiniest baby I'd ever seen!" etc. Our friends even took pictures of her with an iPhone placed besides her because even an iPhone was bigger than her face! She was just so small.

However, after all that we had been through, we are just thankful that she was born - alive & kicking, no matter how small she was.

The 1st day she was born, the hospital did a hearing test on her. She failed. The doctor said her hearing wasn't probably fully developed since she was born prematurely. Will she remain deaf for the rest of her life? Probably & likely.

We were sad, but we remained thankful to God for her. One month later, we did the hearing test again. She passed!

Today, she is still a "mini-baby". I call her my cheeky "xiao bu dian". But she is a healthy baby who's growing well with no medical issues. When friends see her, they now comment, "She used to be so tiny, but now she's growing so well already!"

"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb." Ps 139:13

Isn't God's words so true? He's the one who formed us in our mother's womb. He crafted us individually & personally. The Bible says He even knows the number of hair we have on our head.

When we go through difficulties & storms in our lives, we may be pulling our hair out, but He still knows the number of hair that remains on our head. Not only had He counted them while in our mother's womb, but He is constantly counting them, even right now.

Because every hair matters to Him. Every event, every hurt, every pain & sorrow, every tear matters.

If God had known Charis & loves her even when she has no "form" in my womb, how much more would He loves us whom He knew for an even longer time? How much more would He loves us whom He has a relationship with & whom He calls His "child"?

Recently, because of all the bad press surrounding my church, some asked me, "do you still believe in your church?" The answer is, "I do."

I had experienced God in this very church - City Harvest Church. It is where I had witnessed miracles born out of God's love & grace. How could I doubt it every time I see Charis? She is God's living proof & testimony to me that He is alive & moving in this church.

Self vs Friendship

Today, I was faced in a situation where I had to choose between self versus friendship. I chose... the latter.

My friends were being accused today. I can choose to remain silent & be spared from being entrapped into a whirlpool of politics. But if I had chosen the former, what difference am I from the one who accuses my friends? I chose to stand up for my friends.

Some people said I’m courageous, some may think I’m stupid. Yes, there are times in my life when loyalty does not pay. But it feels good to be doing the right thing, to have a good conscience.

When we first got attached, I once asked James what was the factor in me that attracts him. His reply was, “loyalty”. I haven’t change & I don’t wish to change. The only difference is that I have learnt to be loyal to the right people.

No man’s an island.

No one can say that they don’t need friends. Because the day they realize they do, it is often too late.

Finally it's over!

I went to visit Dr Woo again on last Monday, and he asked me if I'm ready for induced labor. I asked him, "how soon"? His reply was simply "tonight". Just one word and my life has changed forever. We booked ourselves into Mount Alvernia Hospital (MAH) shortly after midnight. I felt the whole process was more like booking for a 3D2N hotel stay or a 3D2N short holiday trip, only that this time, we'll be coming home with an additional member :)

The nurse put a pill into my virginal to soften my womb for labor within minutes after "checking" into my room. MAH is so efficient. The pill started some mild contractions, but it wasn't very uncomfortable yet, so I could still fell asleep for about 3 hours.

The pain gotten worse in the early morning, but was still bearable. At about 9am, the nurse started me on a drip to cause the contractions to quicken, and the pain became so unbearable that I felt like crying out loud. Only pride stopped me from doing so, hehe. When the nurse asked me if I wanted laughing gas to ease the pain, I even told her, "I don't need it". Once she left the room, I immediately used it! But I realised it doesn't help much :'( I still continued to hold on to it though just to make myself feels better. Silly me!

Dr Woo came to check on me about 10am. By then, I have gone all pale, so he asked me if I want epidural. I told him later but this time, I wasn't sure how long more I can hold on. I kept telling myself, "15 minutes more & I'll call for the epidural", then "another 15 minutes more". James went down to grab some sandwich for his brunch and came back with an Eeyore soft toy to cheer me up. I felt so happy to see it! :)

By 11am, I simply couldn't take it anymore. The pain was so intense that even telling the nurse that I want the epidural is an effort now. The specialist only administered the epidural drug close to 12pm because he had to rush down from Thomson Medical Centre. I thought if he drag some more, I would have died and gone to heaven. Once the drug took effect, the pain was all gone! Epidural is one of God's greatest invention! I even managed to sleep for a while ;) I thought since the whole process can be so painless, I don't mind having a second child again.

Dr Woo came to check on me again at 2pm. I am already dilated 6cm, but baby's head is still not moving downwards... The nurse said I may have to go for cesarean in this case. James spoke to Charis and told her to shift down. Miraculously, she did! By 2.30pm, Dr Woo says I'm already dilated 10cm and is all ready to push! :) Feeling real excited!

It was a mistake for all the excitement... I didn't know it would be so painful and tiring! I didn't expect that they would remove my epidural so that my legs would not be too numb to push, and they need me to feel the contraction pains to push. For the next long 1.5hrs, all I did was push, pant, push, pant,... I was panting so hard that they even need to put me on oxygen mask! But no matter how hard I tried to push, Charis doesn't seems to be moving down at all. The midwife even suggested assisted delivery (vacuum) or cesarean. Thank God Dr Woo insisted no vacuum or cesarean. As Charis is too small, the force of the vacuum may caused her head to bleed. So Dr Woo asked the midwife to help me to "push". They roped in another midwife, and yes, both of them really pushed my tummy with all their might! Their pushing were even more painful than thcontractions! I decided then no second child... (of course I may change my mind along the way). Nevertheless, the method worked, because Charis was finally born on 25th August, 1600hr! :-D

When Charis first came out, she neither cry immediately, nor did Dr Woo hold her upside down and slap her on her backside to make her cry. I must have been watching too much drama... She only cried 1 min later. She was also not very bloody looking, but whitish looking... again, too much drama...

I am finally a proud mummy! Cheers to all the great mummys!

Additions to Charis' wardrobe :)

Since Charis is arriving anytime now, we went on a shopping spree to welcome her arrival! I think she must be so happy to see so many pretty clothes for her! :D

Charis, please don't arrive this month... Mummy's not ready yet

We visited our gynae on Tuesday to realise baby Charis is only 1.6kg! She should be 2kg then, so my gynae was really worried. He then told me a further bad news. The water level in my womb is now at a borderline low, & if it continues to fall, Charis will not be able to have the nutrition she needs. If that happens, I'll have to go for induced delivery to take Charis out earlier. My next appointment is on the 18th, so he'll monitor the water level again then, and decides on the next course of action.

I am feeling fatigue for quite some time now, not too sure if my body was overworked. In the past one month, I was so busy everyday that I went out of my house in the morning only to come back at night. I just had so many things going on like work, personal and church activities. My appetitie dropped a lot because of the fatigue. I often couldn't finish my food. Worse still, I even skipped my medicine a lot because by the time I remember to take them, it would be a few hours after I'd last taken my meal, so I can't take them anymore. If not, it would activate my gastric again if I didn't take them together with food. Actually feeling a bit guilty over it now but guessed I can change nothing now except to rest more & try very hard to eat well...

The same night I came back from my gynae's visit, I had some brown discharge. I panicked big time, thought I was about to give birth already! We faster packed our bag (nothing ever has been packed before...), & I quickly bathe. Afterwards, I just rest on the bed & waited for the contractions to come. It never did... false alarm, haha. I called my gynae the next day to tell him about the brown discharge, and he said my body overworked too much, and I need to rest more. I'm thinking it could be the stress resulting from Charis' condition too.

Charis, don't come out so soon k? We haven't finish preparing for your arrival yet. There are so much to do, like washing her clothes, cleaning the cots, buying those miscellaneous stuffs and mattress, clearing the room, etc... We didn't expect such an early arrival, so now in a state of panic when I think of all the things to be done... Yet, I'm trying to relax despite in the midst of chaos. I really thank God for such a great hubby. He's been doing most of the things, so it really helped a lot emotionally and physically.

Also, I'm really hoping to make it to the Taka baby fair this month end, so I can get some good buys for Charis there. God, please let Charis be born naturally only mid next month k?

Chest pains

I'd been having chest pains recently. It was so bad that 2 nights ago, I only managed to sleep around 6am. The pain was so intense that I couldn't sleep no matter how many positions I tried to be comfortable in. In the day, the pain got better somehow, but the pain will intensify in the night again. Yesterday night was not so bad as I managed to sleep around 1am. It is times like this I wished little Gina would arrive faster... but then... means my freedom ending soon... dilemma... Haha!

Counting down the number of days James will be back from Malaysia... hopefully his job goes smoothly and he'll be able to come back by mid next week. Praying...

Baby is growing :)

Baby now weighs 1.3kg, average weight :) So seems the medicine is working well, she didn't turn up smaller than expected! The medicine is still giving me side effects (gastric), so James asked me if I want to stop the medication, but I must continue to sacrifice for her. Mom is the greatest on earth! ;)

Baby kicks me alot for the past one week, and sometimes, it can get painful when she kicks too much and too hard. You can see her little hands or foot protruding out of my tummy when she kicks hard enough too. Sometimes, looking at it makes me feels like laughing cause it's just so amazing! There were a few days she kept hipcupping also, so I can feel my tummy going up down up down. If she hipcups for too long, it can also be painful for me, not mentioning very distracting especially when you are focusing to work on something.

I also put on 14kg since my pregnancy. James commented I finally crossed the 50kg mark in my lifetime. Haha! Hopefully I can retain the fats on my breast, hands, and arms, and lost those on my face, tummy, buttocks, and tighs. I wish my hormones can change for the better after the delivery too. I look so much older now with a flater and rounder nose, bigger face features, and bloated face :'( Instead of looking glowing, now my face looks dull... Haiz... why do my hormones changed for the worse while others have theirs changed for the better? Life is so unfair sometimes... I want to look pretty again soon! Haha!

Swelling face, feets & hands

My face, hands & feet have started to swell since some weeks ago. I can't even wear my wedding ring anymore :( & today, I'd probably walked too much carrying my laptop that veins have even popped out from my feet & hands already.

Last week, 7 of my clients postpone their appointments to this week for various reasons, so I'll be having about 2-3 appointments daily for this week. Some of these appointments are even back-to-back, so I hope I won't be burned out by end of this week. Today is just the beginning, but I'm already feeling the strain. Backache, leg ache, tired, etc... I really need God's strength. I'm happy though, cause more appointments means more cases I can close, which means more $$$. Yay! :D

Shopping for baby clothes

I was at the Motherhood expo fair, & I saw some really pretty baby clothes, so I can't resist buying them :) Some of them are too big for newborns, but they looked so cute, I just buy them anyway. I bought most in pink colour cause it's one of my favourite colours! James was commenting that I buy so many in pink colour & what if our baby turns out to be a boy...? There's never 100% with the test results after all... Hmm... But I still gonna buy them in pink colour! Hee ;)

This set is for her to wear home from the hospital after delivery :)

I think she can wear these when she's about 3 months.

For this set I didn't realise it was so big till after I reached home & looked at it again... Hmm... My sisters said I shouldn't have bought them cause clothes will turn yellowish if they are not worn...

I bought a lot of Avent stuffs too, majority for feeding like milk bottles, etc. Baby stuffs are so expensive!

I miss James!

After touching down on Thursday night from Saudi Arabia, James is away early this morning to Malaysia for probably another 2 weeks. Thus the last 2 days were especially precious to me. I find it harder & harder to cope with him flying so frequently as my stomach gets bigger. Not sure if its cause I'm more emotional now due to my pregnancy, or cause he seems to travel even more often the past 2 months & is spending shorter duration in Singapore in between each trip.

I dread nightfall when he's not around. It's during the night when I'm feeling the most uncomfortable with frequent heartburn, stomach discomforts, etc. & these conditions make sleep difficult. I feel better with him sleeping besides me, as it gives me a feeling that I'm not alone. When he's not around, I can't "complain" to him to find "comfort" in.

I also dread sleeping early as I would wake up in the middle of the night with insomnia. With him sleeping besides me, I don't mind it so much. But when I'm sleeping alone & wake up in the middle of the night for hours, I really dread it. So when he's not around, I'll try to sleep late so that I'll be so tired, I'm not likely to wake up in the middle of the night. But it also means now I have to find something to occupy myself in the night since I'm sleeping late, & it can really get boring at times just waiting to pass time so that I can sleep late. Haiz...

Interesting & innocent thoughts of my nephew

My nephew, Zander, is only 3 years old, & he's a real smart boy. My family has been "preparing" him for my unborn child, so they have been trying to educate him that I have a baby in my stomach & he gotta be gentle around me. So every time he sees me, he would point to my stomach & ask me the same question, "where is the baby?" & I would reply him that the baby is inside my stomach.

Yesterday, he came to my house & was lying on my bed. Now there is my cushion lying hidden under my blanket. He then stroked the protruding bump of the hidden cushion very gently & then excitedly turn to me & innocently exclaimed, "the baby is here?!" He must have been thinking that I must be hiding the baby everyday under my blanket, & that explains why he can't see my baby... I pointed to my stomach & asked him, "then what is inside my stomach?" He answered "baby", & then kept quiet with a confused look. Seconds later, he advanced further to ask, "why the baby don't want to come out of your stomach?" I was speechless...

Moody...

My overall emotions since my pregnancy has been more downs than ups... with all the hormones changing, I would feel depressed easily. James said I handled them pretty well already. Hmm... considering the fact that I didn't have any emotional outbursts yet? But of course he has no idea that I would wake up at times in the night & cry. Sometimes I'll wake up with a headache or dizzy spell (remember my low blood count?) in the morning, & it kinda ruined my mood for the morning too.

The last few days were the worst cause I'll cry easily. Sometimes I can't even control my tears. Last Sun, I even teared in the MRT after a tiff with James. I felt so embarrassed, but I couldn't stop the tears from flowing. I hate being so emotional, it's just so unlike me. Also, it's not good for baby too. I don't want her to feel my unhappy mood. I want her to be a smiley person. Last Sun, I saw a very cheerful little girl in the foodcourt. James said she's adorable because she's always smiling, & she smiles at the simplest thing. I want baby to be like that too :) I must really try to spend more time with God, I know it'll help.

Btw, I think we have settled on her Chinese name -- Huang En Hui (meaning grace). We chose it during the 2nd month of my pregnancy because we believe that God's grace has filled both our lives & even hers', so that's how we can agree on the name easily. She won't be having any dialect name. As for her Christian name... we still can't agree on it. We won't be naming her Grace because I thought that name sounds a little "old-fashioned". No offense to those named Grace though... just a personal preference :-p I personally love the name Natasha, but James don't like it. He threw in other names, but I don't like them... so headache...

Yesterday evening, we were celebrating Kumar's birthday at Adiel's house. Most of them played "Heart Attack". I couldn't play it of course in my pregnancy state, but I really envied them having so much fun. James seemed to have enjoyed himself alot. I can only participate in safe but boring activity like watching movie on Starhub Cablevision with Terence & Peter on the couch.

My daily dosage of love

I cooked pasta for the 1st time, & think it was a very successful attempt :)

These are my daily intake of medicines for myself & baby. I call them my daily dosage of love. Initially I was quite unhappy about taking so many medicines. In my first trimester, I always feel like throwing up every time I swallowed them, there were just so many of them... I feel so sick of them... But then, I came to realise that they are essential and good for the baby, hence, now I discipline myself to eat them & now, I no longer feel unhappy about taking them anymore :)

This is my new addition of medicine - aspirin, as I have introduced in my previous post. I think it looks very cute! Inside each small capsule, there are many tiny white bits that resembles snow flakes (don't really know how to describe them... but they really looks beautiful!). The back of the each pack of tablets even had days indications so that I won't miss taking any of them. So thoughtful of the pharmacy producing them :)

Mummy & Baby not doing well :'(

Our gynae went through the 5 months detailed scanning results yesterday night, & we found out there were some complications for the baby...

I'm having low blood count, so that explains why I'm having giddy spells & headaches so often. But I guessed my condition have improved since the previous blood test as the frequency is less often already. I have have a risk of high blood pressure :'(

But baby's condition is not so positive. The blood vessels from the placenta that flows to the baby is far too thin, hence resulting in resistance in the blood flow flowing to the baby. The blood vessels don't just carries blood, but also oxygen & nutrients. Hence, the baby now has a lack of all these essentials & this will affect her development. What worries me is that baby may has a shortage of oxygen...

I have to take on a medication - aspirin, usually taken by heart problems & stroke patients. This medication will thin my blood, hence reducing the resistance in the blood flow, so hopefully baby can receive the proper essentials better. But this medicine has 2 side effects. First, it will cause gastric. Second, it will cause bleeding. Eg. my gums may bleed more, i will bleed alot if i get cuts. The most worrying is that I may bleed alot during delivery of my baby. Although I will stop the medication at week 36 so that my body will have time to thicken the blood again for the next 4 weeks, but if I were to have a early miscarriage, then the bleeding problem can't be helped. I'm also not sure if there will be any side effects for the baby. After all, medication is never good for the baby... that's why doctors never advised pregnant woman to take medication if possible...

Every mother would love to have a healthy baby, & my first thoughts was, "Is it my fault? Maybe it's because I haven't been eating well? Was it because I'm so skinny?" My gynae says the baby's condition has nothing to do with me or my diet, but it's her genes actually. My second baby may not even have this problem since every baby has their own genes. Well, it kind of comforted me a little. But I know that people around me will feel the mummy is at fault... someone commented it must be because I didn't eat enough nutritious food... Please... I'm already sad enough, please don't point fingers at me. When such things happen, the saddest is me, so please stop blaming me :'( or nag at me ok?

Baby is so active! Kicking me so often nowadays...

I can start to feel baby kicking in my stomach since the past 2 weeks. In the beginning, it was not very obvious, & it only feels like butterflies fluttering in my stomach. Nowadays, she's getting more active & energetic, so can feel it very obviously already. I was having an appointment with a client just now, & baby was so restless, she was kicking me non-stop. It was so distracting :-( I must "teach" her not to disturb mummy when mummy is working in future... Hee...

Last sat, JAMs took our students to Clarke Quay.

Lisha took a picture of me & William - one of my favourite students in my JAMs bus. She just posted it on Facebook, so sharing with you... :) How he has grown over the years! He has been my student for the past 5 years, & I still remember when I first took over him as my student... I will never forget those days... He is the first student so far who has ever made me cry.

The second is Sato when he bite me in my tights & it was bleeding & so bruised, I hid in the ladies to cry after that. A picture of me feeding Sato. He is many many times bigger than me! He has the size of a sumo wrestler!

William is an hyperactive mentally-challenged kid, & was also a very difficult boy. He would intentionally do irritating things to catch my attention. For a season, he would pee in the bus journey to church every week. Once, he even played with the pool of urine with his hands & while I squat down to clean up the mess, he then grabbed my hair with his urine-filled hands! He even had the cheeks to laugh to me! How memorable that day is. Sometimes he would lie down under the chairs in the bus or he would kick me or pull my hair just to catch my attention. There were occasions when I visit his mom at his house, I would find her crying cause she really don't know what to do with him anymore.

I believe God did a miracle for him. All those weekly preachings in the service must have helped & it is definitely the works of the Holy Spirit. Now he's a changed boy! He's one of the most lovable students in JAMs. Alot of teachers sang praises about him to me, telling me how cute he is. There is no trace of his past behavior anymore. He is still cheeky, but not naughty. When we went Clarke Quay last sat, he was holding on to my hands the whole time. When he did let go of my hands to look at things that interests him, he would soon turn back to find me again. In the past, he would just run off on his own. After so many years, he has also grown so close to me, to my heart :-) He is a special child, yes, a special child forever in my eyes.