My Church, My Life

26th Jun: Pst Kong Hee was arrested with 4 others from City Harvest Church.

27th Jun: Friends & family began questioning me about this man & aired their views.

Early morning of 28th Jun: I couldn’t sleep. This man kept appearing in my mind. Yesterday someone commented, “Look to the Word & God, & not worship this man.” Do I worship this man? No, I am very certain I worship God. But I love this man enough to call him my spiritual father. We cannot choose our family, but in this aspect, I can & had made my choice 15 years ago. At age 16, I had chosen City Harvest Church to be my family, & Pst Kong Hee to be my spiritual father. This will still be my choice today. There’s this Chinese saying, “Once a father, always a father.” I am honored to have this man to guide my faith & walk alongside with me the past 15 years.

You may ask what has this man done to deserve all my unwavering support? Am I crazy? Am I illogical? I don’t even know him personally! In fact, he is just a man standing at the pulpit every week preaching. Yet, this man changed my life. It took a lot from me before I penned down this article about my life because they were very personal & private experiences. But in comparison to what he & the church had done for me, this small voice pales in comparison.

 

My dad was in his final stage of his life during the crucial months leading up to my “A” levels examinations & eventually passed away in the midst of my papers. I was all prepared to give up on my studies, but Pst Kong’s teachings about “building an excellence for God & that His grace is more than sufficient for us” helped me to press on to my family’s pride of me graduating with a bachelor degree from NUS. My church family hovered around me rendering support & encouragements during those difficult moments. My cell group leader then, Pst Aries (who is now Executive Pastor of CHC & was discipled by Pst Kong personally), took on a father’s role to a fatherless. He watched over my studies & volunteered to pay for my tuition fees. There were countless times he cried & grief together with me – just like how a father would. I had not known of any other man who had raise up countless of such leaders who impacted lives.

Pst Aries officiating my wedding.

In my early twenties, I went through a period of traumatic relationship. My ex-boyfriend went off with another girl 1 year into our relationship. Stupidly & naively, I continued our relationship. 1 year later, he was arrested with molestation for not just 1, but 5 girls. Even more stupidly this time, I still hang on to him. Half a yr later, I was called to meet a few Pastors in the church & they told me my ex-boyfriend was spotted by another church member in a nightclub that the father of the church member owns. He was lying on one of the night hostess’ laps. Would I have continued to stupidly forgive him? Most probably.

But that day, I will never forget how Pst Tan Ye Peng (one of the Pastors being arrested) said this sentence very seriously & sternly to me, “If you are my daughter, I will not let you be with such a man.” I could still remember vividly his entire facial expressions & body posture as if etched into my memory. A simple sentence but was a full glimpse of a father’s love for me. I called my ex-boyfriend the same day & broke off our relationship.

That day, I knew love – a greater love expressed by God through His people. If not for him, I would not have been happily married today to a wonderful hubby & having 2 gorgeous girls. Had I known Pst Tan too prior to that meeting? No, I do not, but he cared enough for a stranger to speak into my life. That half an hour he had spent counseling me changed my life. That short meeting was enough time for me to know that every word he had spoken was not just out of duty, but of genuine love & concern.

So no matter what the media or news had reported, I will still continue to choose to love these men. I am where I am today because these men had love enough to invest in me & my life. Do you know what went through my life? Have you stood by me during those moments? Some of my dear friends & family members had the privilege to, but these men, strangers as they were, cared for me enough to be deserved to be called my family today. They stood by me during my toughest moments in life. Why should I walk out of them now.

These men built a church, & this church built many lives. A family was created through them, & a family stays together. My church, my life.

To the little hands that I'd never got to hold...

This one whole yr, I had meant to update this blog with sweet memories of Enya's birth & growing process, but had been too busy or rather... lazy too... Yet, there is this particular entry that happened just 2-3 weeks ago & I felt I needed to note down this bitter memory of mine in memory of another deserving child...

In mid Oct, I realised I was pregnant again with a 3rd child. I cried when it was confirmed... not out of joy, but rather, of stress & anxiety... How can I cope with a 3rd child both physically & financially when Charis & Enya are still so young?! The 1st week of pregnancy, I was practically crying everyday due to the stress. I was not prepared at all for this 3rd child...

During this period of time, a friend had just given birth at 7th mth of pregnancy. The baby was not doing well & was in neonatal care. She posted a pic on facebook of her bb wrapping her daddy's big index finger with her small little hands. It was heart wrenching & I cried when I saw the photo. A revelation hit me! If I can cry upon seeing other baby fighting for their own lives, why should I not treasure my own little one's life? I made up my mind then to love my little unborn one.

The 2nd & 3rd week, I was basked in joy & went around shopping for clothes & toys for this coming baby! I bought 5 pieces of rompers & 3 toys for him/her & that's a lot, considering I only bought 2 sets of clothes & no toys at all for Enya! For some weird & unexplainable reasons, I felt especially excited about this pregnancy.

On 6th Dec, just 4 days after my birthday, James & me went to my gynae's routine checkup. Baby's heartbeat could no longer be detected, & judging from the fetus' size, he/she had already been lost more than a week ago... I could not believe it... there was no signs nor symptoms at all... The last 2 pregnancies were successful, so a miscarriage was out of my mind. I broke down in my gynae's room & cried all the way to the car & back home. By this time, baby should be 8 weeks old. We told our gynae we wanted to wait another 2 weeks before we do the "procedure" - to "clean up inside my womb", or rather, to put it blantly, "to remove him/her from my womb". We were hoping for a miracle, even if it is the thinnest hope.

But the night after my gynae's visit, I started to bleed more. The next morning, I called my gynae to tell him of the bleeding. He told me to go down straight to the hospital to do the procedure asap due to my bleeding. My good friend, Gavin & Vanessa, drove me down to the Mt Alvernia while I cried throughout the whole car journey. Am thankful for them cuz I wasn't in the right state of mind to drive at all. James rushed down from his office, followed by Pst Lily at the hospital.

I cried all the way into the operating theatre. It was the most terrible feeling, knowing the surgery is to remove someone you love so much inside of you & then, he/she is gone forever when you wake up.... I requested for a final scan just to be sure before I was put to sleep... same result... the last thing I remembered was the nurse wiping away my tears & my gynae telling me not to cry anymore...

The next few weeks, I was grieving inside & I was afraid of being alone at home. Kept myself very busy so I wouldn't have time to stop & think. Every time I see a mummy carrying a baby, I would tear. 2 weeks later, I attended an AIA training and the trainer, Edwin, shared a real life story that releases my grief.

Edwin would send his boy to childcare every morning & would bump into this pregnant mummy who is sending her boy to the same childcare ocassionally. One day, he bumped into her husband instead, so he just asked her husband out of courtesy about his wife. The husband then told him that his wife met with a car accident when she was 7th month pregnant. She was in a cab when a car crashed from the back. His wife broke her neck. The doctors, took out the baby, & though was pre-term, was born healthy. The wife, however, became fully paralysed. His husband made a comment, "She never got to hold her child's hands".

I cried in the train home after the training. I just couldn't stop the tears from flowing. I was glad it wasn't peak hours & people around me were being very polite to look away from me. I also never got to hold my unborn's child hands... but I was thankful, because I have the chance to hold Charis' & Enya's hands. I am still blessed. God continues to speak to me through various people - people who didn't know what had happened yet gave me words of knowledge & wisdom. Once again, He showed His love & grace to me.

To my lil' one...
I am sorry I never gotten to hold your little hands,
But I am glad Someone is holding yours now.
I trust in the hands that's holding yours now,
And that He will hold on to you tightly.
One day, I am gonna hold your little hands,
So is Daddy & your lovely sisters.
I love you.

Everything happened so fast it seemed like a dream. Yet, my child will never be forgotten.

In Remembrance of Ng Yok Jui (31/10/62 - 12/01/11)

He had left first to a better place last Wednesday but I only knew about it tonight.

All these years, James had been asking me how would I feel if one day, Ah Jui left me. After all, his health had been deteriorating for the past 3 years rapidly & he was already aging. I never once replied him, & I refused to think about it. Tonight I had to face the reality.

I was in an appointment with a client when I first receive the news. I had to brush everything aside first. After the appointment, I called Ah Jui's cousin to find out what had happened. He was admitted to hospital due to breathlessness. His kidneys had failed, & his lungs were collapsing. He couldn't fight on. Throughout, he was conscious & aware of what's happening. I called Adiel to inform her.

It was only during the way home that the news really sank into me. That's it. I won't see him anymore. I REALLY won't see him anymore...

Ah Jui had been one of my dearest students in JAMs. He never calls me "teacher Gina", but would call me "ah che", which means "sister" in teochew. He had been more than just a student to me.

His love language is receiving gifts, hence he loves giving them too, & he's very generous with this gift. For the past 5 years, he would give me chinese new year card that contains 4 numbers (for me to buy 4D) every year without fail. This year, I would receive none.

He would also often buy gifts for me & his friends, interesting gifts like biscuits, tshirt, tissue paper box wrapped nicely with gift wrapper. When I just got married, some of the students wanted to have copies of my wedding pictures, so I gave to some of them. 2 weeks later, I received a present wrapped nicely from him. It was my wedding photo framed up in a nice photo frame. I was so touched.

I remembered a visitation when I visited him & he asked me to his house the next day. He said he wants to cook dinner for me. I thought he was kidding, but I dropped by his house the next day anyway since we lived so near each other. He really cooked a meal for me. It was just rice with egg, but this simple meal was one of the most memorable.

He is one of the fewer students I would take out for meals ocassionally. Throughout the meals, we sometimes talked very little, but that was enough. He would keep smiling throughout, & that made me happy too.

He's a Teochew & I'm a Hokkien. He can understand my conversation mostly, but I got more difficulty understanding what he said. But it doesn't matter to either of us. He will keep repeating himself until I understand & he never lost patience repeating himself. At the end of the day, we always managed to understand each other, somehow.

There was one visitation when I threw away all the rice in his rice bin as they were starting to get mouldy. He felt so heartpain & so upset that he refused to talk to me for weeks after. I didn't know whether to get upset with him or find him amusing. But we got over it anyway.

Then, I started to nag at him for a period of time. I would tell him the same old things every week, "don't go Hougang Mall to beg", "don't bring such a heavy bag", "don't carry so much money out", "you must come on time next week", "don't drink so much sweet stuffs", "don't anyhow buy things"... & amazingly, he never find me a nag, or maybe he did, but he didn't voice out. Despite all the weekly naggings, he would still listen with full attention & nod his head to me. Never once had he threw tantrum because he had heard enough. He was always this patient towards me.

He would doze off in bus on the journey to church & from church, & I had to wake him every week when we are nearing the destination. I would never get to nudge him to wake up again. Sometimes, when I sat beside him, he would doze off on my shoulder, & I never minded. When he woke up & realised he was sleeping on my shoulder, he would smile cheekily to himself & then lie back again on my shoulder.

When another of our student, William, is having a bad day & is misbehaving himself, Ah Jui will discipline & scold him, especially when he sees William spitting or shouting at me. He is a big protective brother.

The last one year as I had to take care of Charis, I took a break from serving in the bus & visitations. I didn't spent as much time as I should with him. The last time I saw him was last Christmas big day. He was limping badly, yet he made the effort to come church faithfully. That was the last I saw of him.

I wish I was there when he was in the ICU. When he was in pain. When he needed me. When I could have prayed for him right there & then in the room. When I just wanted him to know that I will be there for him even as he fight on. When I could have a chance to tell him that I love him. When those last moments were so precious to him. But I wasn't there.

I wish I don't have to take a ministry break. Perhaps I might have been there for him. I could have spent more time with him in his final year. It is so hard being a mother & serving in a ministry. I wish I don't have to choose. I wish I could have the best of both worlds.

How would I feel if one day, Ah Jui left me? There will always be a missing piece in my heart & N11. Every week, JAMs goes on, but somehow it's no longer the same without him.

Ah Jui, I will miss seeing you carrying your big fat bag up the bus. I will miss Liyen telling me, "he's very fat leh" as you go up the bus. I will miss you greeting Kok Seng by tapping him on the shoulder as you make your way up the bus to your usual seat. The last right seat that had always been reserved for you. Just like how you will always have a place in N11 & in my heart.

A PRIVILEGE to Serve

Something's been bothering me for months... & that's about returning to JAMs to serve. It has not been easy to do that anymore since I had Charis. My sister can't take care of Charis on Saturdays morning so either James or me had to stay home to look after her while one of us serve. So far, security team seems to need him more than my busing needs as Rebecca had been doing such a great job, so it had been me that's staying home on Saturdays morning while he serves.

Finally, we did some sacrificial arrangement by me forgoing work on one of the weekdays to take care of Charis in order to "compensate" my sister for taking care of Charis on Saturday instead. Of course, it is not such a smooth negotiation since weekends are precious break for her since she can finally go out with her children on that day.

We were so excited that I even announced to Pst Lily, Adiel & Rebecca about it... but then complications arises recently again...

I used to take serving in a ministry for granted, but now that I am not able to serve, I realised that serving is a PRIVILEGE. I used to complain about those hours I had to put in, those sacrifices I had to make, those clients & income I had to "forgo" in order to have more time to serve, those unappreciative moments, etc. Now that I don't have to sacrifice anything, I don't have anything to complain anymore, but I am not happier either.

I miss my bus N11. I missed my students whom I always call them my children, especially the girls, William & Jason.

I miss standing at the sound console, playing & fixing the sound.

I miss seeing the students stream into the hall, all excited & full of smiles.

I miss the them coming up to me & shake my hands & say hi & bye to me.

I miss them cheering for their friends during games time.

I miss watching them praising & worshiping God.

I even miss the object lesson which I seldom pay any attention to.

Almost every time after James come back from JAMs, he would update me about the service & my students. This was our way of helping me "stay in touch". When he tell me that they had a very good worship session & God's presence was very strong, I would wish I was there too.

Indeed, being able to serve is a PRIVILEGE.

It was such a yearning within me, but all I could do was to cry out to God to make a way out for me to serve. In the past, I would have thought it was crazy to be so desperate to serve that I would even cry about it in my quiet time with God. I used to look forward to the day when I can finally take a "break" from serving, but now I am looking forward to take a "break" from my ministry leave instead. What an impact JAMs have made in my life subconsiously all these years that this ministry has so become such a part of my life now.

I understand that there are seasons in our life when we need to priortise certain things at certain moments. But isn't it wonderful if every seasons we can have the capacity to still meet those priorities & serve at the same time? I don't have this capacity yet, but I pray that one day I will have it, & I'm learning to take a step of faith towards that.

Grace

Farewell Zhen!

My friend, Lizhen, left to pursue her studies overseas this morning. There are some people who "leave" your life temporary & you'll never miss their presence, but there are some who may leave for even a short time & they'll leave a "gap". Zhen belongs to the latter.

She cares for the people around her, and always offer them kind words. We weren't very close friends, but she made the effort to visit my brother in hospital. She had been a friend not just in word, but in deed.

She has been the birthday coordinator for my cell group for so many donkey years, but she never once complained about her job description nor did she ever grow sick of doing it. That's her "faithful in little things" attitude.

In JAMs, she remains a faithful worker, but more than that, it's her love & passion for the students that makes her unique. Over the years, I have seen many workers grown weary or burnt out from serving in the ministry. To "recuperate/recharge", many took ministry leave, but many also did not return. I remembered she also took a break some years ago, but not only did she return, she came back with power! Being dedicated to organizing a dance party event, she impressed me with her eye for details.

She has a gentle spirit, yet she is spirited & passionate about the things she does. She is not just a physiotherapist to her clients, but also a friend to them. Today, she has left to pursue a Masters in Physiotherapy, and I believe with her passion, she will soar far in her career.

Farewell Zhen, you will be missed by many! & see you next year!

Unfailing Love - Chris Tomlin

I was doing my admin work with some music videos playing on my laptop in the background. As the playlist comes to this song, the presence of God came into my study room. Although I had downloaded it, I never had time to listen to it till today. I teared as God reminded me of the past one year. I teared as I felt His love so strong in the room. I teared as I looked back & remembered His unfailing love.

The Grace of God

Many people asked me why I named my baby girl "Charis" & what does it mean? When I was pregnant, we chose that name without qualms. "Charis" means "God's grace" in Greek. Not only was she a gift from God, but she had been born with God's grace over her & our lives.

2 doctors we consulted told me that I would have difficulty conceiving. Even if I managed to conceive, there would be a high chance of miscarriage.

Months later, I was pregnant. There was no miscarriage, & Charis was born.

In my earlier blog entries shared during my pregnancy, Charis did have some medical complications as a foetus. I had to rely on medication to stabilize her & help her to grow in my womb. It wasn't a smooth nor easy pregnancy.

She had to be born prematurely at 35 weeks by induced labour due to her medical condition. Not only was she not growing, but the water level in my womb was also declining rapidly at a dangerous rate towards the 7th month of my pregnancy term.

She hasn't grow well inside of me due to her medical condition. Thus when she was born, she was sooOoOo small. Weighing only 2.4kg, everyone would comment upon seeing her, "She's so small! She's the tiniest baby I'd ever seen!" etc. Our friends even took pictures of her with an iPhone placed besides her because even an iPhone was bigger than her face! She was just so small.

However, after all that we had been through, we are just thankful that she was born - alive & kicking, no matter how small she was.

The 1st day she was born, the hospital did a hearing test on her. She failed. The doctor said her hearing wasn't probably fully developed since she was born prematurely. Will she remain deaf for the rest of her life? Probably & likely.

We were sad, but we remained thankful to God for her. One month later, we did the hearing test again. She passed!

Today, she is still a "mini-baby". I call her my cheeky "xiao bu dian". But she is a healthy baby who's growing well with no medical issues. When friends see her, they now comment, "She used to be so tiny, but now she's growing so well already!"

"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb." Ps 139:13

Isn't God's words so true? He's the one who formed us in our mother's womb. He crafted us individually & personally. The Bible says He even knows the number of hair we have on our head.

When we go through difficulties & storms in our lives, we may be pulling our hair out, but He still knows the number of hair that remains on our head. Not only had He counted them while in our mother's womb, but He is constantly counting them, even right now.

Because every hair matters to Him. Every event, every hurt, every pain & sorrow, every tear matters.

If God had known Charis & loves her even when she has no "form" in my womb, how much more would He loves us whom He knew for an even longer time? How much more would He loves us whom He has a relationship with & whom He calls His "child"?

Recently, because of all the bad press surrounding my church, some asked me, "do you still believe in your church?" The answer is, "I do."

I had experienced God in this very church - City Harvest Church. It is where I had witnessed miracles born out of God's love & grace. How could I doubt it every time I see Charis? She is God's living proof & testimony to me that He is alive & moving in this church.

A Tribute to My 2 Great Leaders!!!

This is such an outdated post... I had been wanting to write this post long time ago, especially spurned by Pastor Lily being confered to a Pastor. But I lost my laptop & was "laptop-less" for about 2 weeks. So finally, here's a tribute to my 2 greatest leaders!!!

There are 2 leaders who impacted my life greatly. Pastor Aries is a spiritual "father", while Pastor Lily is a best friend I can always depend on.

I remember those days when I will sit beside Pastor Aries in his church office desk every Friday, helping him with simple administrative work & having personal bible study afterwards. He spent a great deal disciplining me, investing time & effort into my life.We can just sit anywhere in a public place & right there & then, he will speak into my life, and those embarrassing moments when I was so childlike that I will even tear (or sometimes even cry) in public because of his words of wisdom & care & concern.

10 years ago, I had some disappointments in our friendship due to some misunderstandings. Some of the cell group members had tried to sown discord because of their bitterness & I had listened to them foolishly. I drifted away from our friendship then, but he never gave up on our friendship despite my cold & childish treatment. He continued to love me unconditionally, & show me a father's love when my dad had passed away. Friends around me would often tell me how much he loves me. When I knew that he kept each & every of the cards (I wrote lots of cards & letters to him) I had written to him, & he would take them out to read often to encourage himself, I knew I was wrong about him. We reconciled back our friendship, & he became even more my trusted friend & earthly "father".

We had gone through tough times together. I was the cell group helper of N11, & cell group was doing so badly that there was only one member who turned up for cell group meeting -- & that was me! He could have just cancelled the meeting but he didn't because he believed that each & every meeting was a commitment to God. He was smiling throughout the meeting while I was tearing even during praise & word. He taught me a valuable lesson that day - to continue to be positive & smile at the storm. I was so discouraged that I was all ready to give up on the members & quit being a helper. But he refused to give up on me & them & he taught me how to reach out to them by investing in their lives the same way he had invested in mine. Most of those who didn't turn out for that meeting that day are now serving God actively in church. Many of them had became my close friends because he had taught me the important principle of investing in their lives.

He was the one who built up my spiritual foundation. Through all those time that he invested in me & gave me so much personal bible study that when I met many crisis in my life later, I could still hold on to my faith & smile at the storm. He had built everlasting fruits in his life.

My friendship with Pastor Lily started unusually. For the 1st 3 years that I known her, we were never close. We seldom talked outside of ministry & I only knew her as my ex-boyfriend's boss who's fierce & unapproachable & not approving of our relationship. I had my reservations towards her then since she had her reservations about me & my ex-boyfriend. 5 years ago, there was a big saga caused by my ex-boyfriend & he was making false accusations of Pastor Lily to me. Of course,being naive, I supported & believed in him since he was my boyfriend then & I hardly knew Pastor Lily then.

I will always remember that on a Tuesday after Easter week in year 2005, Pastor Derek called me into his office & broke the truth to me about my ex-boyfriend. Pastor Eileen & Pastor Tan also counseled me afterwards. I finally knew who was really the "bad" guy & who was really the "good" one. I finally understood that her reservations were out of love & protection for me. My heart was so shattered. I can't explain why but of all people, I just called Pastor Lily to see if I could see her in her office (then LifeWorks). I immediately boarded a cab to find her. She stopped all her work, just sat down with me while I kept crying. She didn't say much, but that was enough. That day marks the beginning of our friendship.

That year was very difficult for me, but she was constantly there for me. Her love & encouragements helped me walk through that dark period. I would have easily wallowed in self-pity, but she didn't gave me any chance to. Despite of the crisis I was going through, she would get me to lead prayer meetings every Saturdays, to give 3 bible studies weekly, & to serve even more actively in e ministry. Because she gave me so many chances to engage with God & into the lives of others, I was watered as well when I watered others. She taught me to live beyond my crisis.

She was also the one who "matchmake" James & me. We held a lot of reservations about starting a relationship with each other, & she is the one who told us to "go out on dates & try". Well, we tried, & we just celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary yesterday! During our courtship years, we had our ups & downs, & she would conselled us & reconciled our differences. She was our wedding coordinator despite being so heavily pregnant with Aden then & that held a lot of meaning for our big day. She "gave" me a good husband, & in turn, a wonderful family.

When my brother was disabled last year, she visited us despite her busy big day church events. She fought for financial help for my brother's medical bill from CHCSA, & that meant a great deal to my family.

When she was conferred Pastor by Dr Yonggi Cho in Asia Conference last month, I sheded tears of joys in the service, even in the midst of praise of worship. I left Charis alone in church nursery (after much pleas & appeal to the nursery workers) for the first time in church because I want to be there in that service to witness her promotion & to cheer for her. She truly deserves this promotion -- not from man, but by God!

All these years, I had probably shared more secrets with her than anyone else besides James. I know I can always trust in her. She had been a rock in my life -- unwavering & always there for me.

My Precious!

Thanks to my sister who made special arrangement to babysit Charis so that I can serve for the carnival organised by JAMs last Saturday. It had been 3 months since I last served in JAMs, & I'm so glad I made it.

The carnival was a resounding success, because the students had enjoyed themselves tremendously! They were not just the happy ones. I was overjoyed to see them too, especially my pride & joy - N11 students! They were also as happy to see me :) I can see their faces lit up with smiles when they see me, just like the way Charis would when I fetch her from my sister's house.

It was time to leave & my students boarded the bus, while I stood outside the bus waving goodbye to them. Incredible sweet moments followed. Those students sitting by the window pressed their palms against the window, wanting me to put mine against theirs, with the window panels separating us. Kind of like those drama "farewell" scene you'll see in TV... Then Jason ran over to the side of the window to blow goodbye kiss to me, & he'll only do that to people he's very close with. I almost teared. These are moments I'll never forget & hold close to my heart.

I decided to go up the bus just to say a quick goodbye to them, & my bus driver made a remark to me, "they are like your children, all have feelings for each other". I'd been taking bus N11 since Jan 05, so they have been my "children" for 5 years now. In many ways, they are as precious to me as Charis is.

I used to take up the role of CGC for N11 grudingly (in my heart). I used to help out in another bus, N1, & I had a good relationship with the students there. There are also higher functioning, hence I could communicate with them well.

However in N11, the students are much lower functioning. For the first 2 years, I would find myself talking to a wall when talking to them, & I had to be thick-skinned enough to reply my own questions when no one answered. Some of them are hyperactive & drives me up the wall & even made me cry before. One of them is William. I had mentioned about him before in my previous entry http://tohgina.blogspot.com/2009/05/baby-is-so-active-kicking-me-so-often.html. As time goes by however, friendship was forged & now they respond openly & warmly to me. Some of them are not able to speak, but we no longer need verbal communication to understand each other anymore.

I used to tell James that when we give (in terms of time, money, love, etc) in JAMs, we should never expect anything in return, especially since these special children are not capable of giving. I was wrong. In those 5 years, they had given me many things. They had brought me many little gifts, cards, snacks, etc. Ah Jui would give me a CNY card every year without fail, with 4 numbers inside - for me to buy 4D. Hehe! It's their way of showing love.

But the most priceless gift was their love & friendship that they had unreservedly & freely given to me.

We love because He first love us. They love because we first love them. This is how the love of God should be spread.

Meeting with God

I'd been feeling very happy recently because I'd attended cell group meeting last week & prayer meeting yesterday. For all you singles & childless, you'll never understand that it is really a privilege to attend them. So when I am able to serve this week for JAMs big day, I am delirious! Feels connected again :) But of course I really appreciate those people around me for never letting me lose that connection. & for James for putting in the effort to serve so that one of us still stays connected even though I know he is tired out from work, taking care of Charis, & doing housework (yes, he's a good hubby who does housework! =)

For those single & childless ones, please really appreciate & enjoy church service. I never knew how blessed I was when I was in the main auditorium enjoying God's presence every week until I'm stuck in nursery with Charis. There's lots of distractions in nursery, e.g. parents talking to each other, babies "talking" to each other, babies crying/wailing, parents talking to babies... & I'm guilty too :p Every time Pastor preached a good sermon or there's a good worship, I wish I was out there in the main auditorium & I'll feel so sad being stuck in nursery. People are lying when they say there's no distance in God. Main auditorium is the holies of holies; nursery is the outer court. Though there is still the presence of God everywhere, but distance still determine whether you are in holies of holies or outer court.

Finally, My New House!

Finally I can have a place that I can call home again! Today, my pastor finally announced our new home & it's Suntec Convention Centre! The best part is that we are not going to rent it; we are going to co-own it! Wow, our next miracle building!

I teared when Pastor announced it. Felt that after 4 long years, we finally don't have to be like Moses & his people gathering in "tents" anymore. Not only can we have a place of our own, we can now earn revenue from the rent collected from the rental of those convention halls (especially for IT shows) & use it to extend our humanitarian works etc. I never imagine we could own a convention centre, or even the nation's pride (equivalent to U.S. World Trade Centre?), but we did. Isn't my God amazing?

I wish I could share with James the good news, but he's offshore & uncontactable again. I believe it will be a very pleasant surprise for him too. I can't wait to share with him the wonderful news!

This thought kept flashing across my mind as I sat listening, "if God can do something so great for my church, why can't He perform something as great for me in my life too?" Maybe He can, but it all boils down to "am I willing to walk that path & sacrifices that comes along the way?"

I need a miracle, & I'm sure God known it too well. His miracle for my church was not a "from Jurong West to Jurong East" miracle, but a "from the end of nowhere to the centre of influence" miracle. He is not limited in bringing me the miracle breakthrough, but how can I have it? By giving out of my lack? By giving what I really needed? Can I really be like the widow woman who gave her all out of her lack?

I do not know & I did not pledge today. I wanted to be sure. James wanted me to pray about the amount which I still am not sure. This is the most challenging & difficult Arise & Build thus far. I hope I will hear the amount from God soon. Am I ready to obey? I know as difficult as it would be, I have to. Without obedience, He would not accept it.

Do I have faith in my giving? Well... I would not need faith if I have no doubts. It is so easy at times like this to look at your own needs more than anything else. But I must believe. & I must believe that HIM alone deserves all the glory (& all that I have)!

God's Angels

There are times during this difficult period when I wondered where is God? & recently, upon reflection, I realised He has been showing Himself to me through His angels.

I have heard a lot of people comment about the poor service & attitudes of staffs at SGH & I have experienced much personally. But during this difficult period in my life, many of the angels that appeared in my life are actually staffs of SGH too.

Angel #1: Ms Chew Li Ling (Medical Social Worker, SGH)

The first time when I knew my brother's condition, I was very depressed & feeling lost. She was there for me even though I was not a patient. She met me especially to counsel me, & provide me with advice on resources to take care of my brother when I was feeling lost & do not know what to do. She is the one who made me realised my brother & my family are never alone & he is just as normal as anyone walking along the street.

Even though my brother had been discharged from the hospital, she is still just a phone call away, & even met up with us on Wednesday to help us appeal for financial aid. Although she could only managed to get a little aid from the appeal which may seem insignificant (only 5% of the total outpatient bill), the time & efforts taken to help us all the way warms my heart greatly.

Angel #2: Dr Tan (SGH)

I have always thought that doctors are stuck-up creatures who are always so busy that they have to rush off somewhere. Dr Tan was an exception.

When my brother was in critical condition, he came after his work hours just to encourage my brother. When he comes to make his rounds every morning, he will spend some time updating my brother about his condition & encouraged him. When other doctors reported negative updates to my brother, he will visit him again to reassure him & encourage him. He even called us at home after my brother was discharged to find out how is his patient getting on at home after discharged.

Everytime my brother goes back for follow up visits, I can tell he is very happy to see Dr Tan. Dr Tan save lives not just by treating them medically, but also by instilling "I will live & I will live a normal life" attitude in his patients. He also refused to let them feel discriminated about themselves.

Angel #3: Ee Ling (Physiotherapist, SGH, Ward 64)

She was supposed to knock off her work at 5pm, but most days, she will stay behind till about 8pm. It isn't because she's a slow worker, but because she wanted her patients to recover faster & better by giving them longer physiotherapy sessions by sacrificing her own personal time. Instead of the usual 15-30 minutes physiotherapy sessions as required by the hospital, she easily spend 1-2 hours per patient. Her cheerful countenance easily brightens up her patients' day.

Towards the end of my brother's hospital stay, I was so drained emotionally & physically. I was walking towards the mrt station after visiting my brother one day, when Ee Ling saw me from behind. She ran to greet me, & when she saw my tired face, she immediately showed her concerned & encouraged me.

Angel #4: Yong Lily

She visited my brother & me in the hospital despite her busy schedule to show concern & encourages me. Whenever I needed to buy stuffs that Charis needed, she would often tell me that she has them at home as her kids used to use them. Then she would drive specially down to my house even in the wee hours just to bring them to me. She not only helped me save lots of money (when I need it the most), but this is also her way of showing love when I needed it the most.

When I visited Ms Chew's office on Wednesday, I saw post-it notes of bible verses scribled on her desktop. Ee Ling wore a cross pendant on her necklace. Lily is my cell group leader in church. They had been testimonies that God is real when doubts filled my heart. Of course, Dr Tan may not be a Christian for all I care, but he would definitely have been a testimony of his religion or belief too.

I never like to wear a cross pendant as I used to think that it is over religious & old-fashioned. Now, I think if in some ways I had been an angel to someone, & he saw the cross hanging on my necklace, he would know that God is real too. The cross pendant may not tell a thousand people anything. In fact, it is simply another accessory. But it may just be that message that one person needed.

I will be hunting around soon to buy a nice cross pendant, & am thinking of having a crystal-studded one as I love crystals!

I Believe

The doctor told me 2 months ago then that my brother has only 1 week to live... it has been 2 months now.

Last week, he told me again that my brother may only have a few weeks more...

Like what the song goes:

I believe
In the power of Your Name
I believe
In the promise of faith
I believe
In the love of a God
Jesus my Savior
I believe
I believe

Speak into this mountain
To move into the ocean
With Your authority
Given to Me
No matter what happened
Here I am standing
On the hope of Your Word
Promised to me

I will stand because of His promises to me. I will believe because His love never fails me.

I'm going to Siem Reap!

Today the staff of Raffles City Shopping Centre called me to inform me that I am a proud winner of their lucky draw & I won a trip to Siem Reap, Cambodia! It's a pair of SilkAir tickets plus a 3D2N stay in one of the top spa resorts! I can finally now visit Angkor Wat,

An image of the hotel room that I'll be staying in. Looks very cosy :)

The hotel lobby. Looks very grand.

I can finally visit Angkor Wat, the central feature of the UNESCO World Heritage Site containing the magnificent remains of the Khmer civilization.

Raffles City Shopping Mall is holding 3 fortnightly draws. Simply spend $50 to participate in the draws. The first draw was to Manado, Indonesia. I am the proud winner of the 2nd draw! :D The last draw was to Cebu, Philippines, although I wouldn't mind Cebu too :)

I believe it's all God-coincidence! :) Both of us just gave in the special offering in Rev. John Avanzini's meeting 2 weeks ago, & then we participated in the lucky draw last week. It is the first time I participated in a lucky draw held by a shopping centre. I always felt that it's impossible to be a winner among thousands of entrees, so I couldn't be bothered to join them in the past. But for some weird reason, I had this very strong feeling to enter the lucky draw this time, & we even spend at least 15 mins hunting around the shopping centre (we even went up & down the levels) looking for the customer service just to fill in the lucky draw forms. Usually, James would be grumbling that it's a waste of time & we'll end up not doing it. But somehow, amazingly, he never complained this time & even played along. It must be God's prompting.

& guess what, I was just telling James last week that how nice it would be to go for a short vacation to take a break from all the stress, but we couldn't because of the current financial situation with my brother's condition. God must have known the desire of my heart. Now James & me are just debating whether it's his offering or mine that brought the blessings! Haha!

Felt So Loved :)

My cell group gave me a surprise birthday dinner on 30th Nov 09. James brought me to Swensons for dinner, & lo & behold, some of my cell group members were there to give me a memorable night! :)

I had a double portion of "ice-cream cake"!

Cell group bought a Mphosis bag for my birthday gift. It comes in handy as my new diaper bag :) Of course, James has to try it on as he has to carry for me often ;) Looks more matching on him than my current diaper bag which looks like from Agnis B, but is actually from Mount Alvernia Hospital ;)

They also blessed me with a big ang bao for my brother's medical bills. & I was really touched at the generous amount that all of them gave, for they are so generous! Karen Ten said to me, "That's what friends are for." Indeed, they are friends in need.

A New Beginning!

I am so looking forward to my birthday! Maybe it marks a new beginning? I can't wait for year 2010 to arrive too! A new year brings hope to me :)

This year had been a most difficult year. So many unhappy things had happened at work, family, marriage, etc. Many times I broke down in the shower or wake up crying in the nights. Sometimes the pressures are so overwhelming I feel I am buried under.

I can't wait for year 2009 to be over for a fresh new year to start with. But of course, I know the way I enter year 2010 is determined by the way I end year 2009. So I am gonna stay positive no matter what.

I have become more mature. My faith in God had been tested and stretched. I have learn to invest more in friendship and not to take my spouse for granted. Crisis had bond my family even closer, and I have learn to be a pillar of strength and support for them. Crisis had made me a better person.

Yet I look forward to year 2010 because I know I serve a great God! I believe in His promises. He has given me a hope and a great future. He is the beacon of light in the midst of darkness.

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you," says the LORD, "thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope."

In all these, most importantly, I pray I will have a heart like King David's - to know God.

Jeremiah 24:6-7
For I will set My eyes on them for good, and I will bring them back to this land; I will build them and not pull them down, and I will plant them and not pluck them up. Then I will give them a heart to know Me, that I am the LORD; and they shall be My people, and I will be their God, for they shall return to Me with their whole heart.