To the little hands that I'd never got to hold...

This one whole yr, I had meant to update this blog with sweet memories of Enya's birth & growing process, but had been too busy or rather... lazy too... Yet, there is this particular entry that happened just 2-3 weeks ago & I felt I needed to note down this bitter memory of mine in memory of another deserving child...

In mid Oct, I realised I was pregnant again with a 3rd child. I cried when it was confirmed... not out of joy, but rather, of stress & anxiety... How can I cope with a 3rd child both physically & financially when Charis & Enya are still so young?! The 1st week of pregnancy, I was practically crying everyday due to the stress. I was not prepared at all for this 3rd child...

During this period of time, a friend had just given birth at 7th mth of pregnancy. The baby was not doing well & was in neonatal care. She posted a pic on facebook of her bb wrapping her daddy's big index finger with her small little hands. It was heart wrenching & I cried when I saw the photo. A revelation hit me! If I can cry upon seeing other baby fighting for their own lives, why should I not treasure my own little one's life? I made up my mind then to love my little unborn one.

The 2nd & 3rd week, I was basked in joy & went around shopping for clothes & toys for this coming baby! I bought 5 pieces of rompers & 3 toys for him/her & that's a lot, considering I only bought 2 sets of clothes & no toys at all for Enya! For some weird & unexplainable reasons, I felt especially excited about this pregnancy.

On 6th Dec, just 4 days after my birthday, James & me went to my gynae's routine checkup. Baby's heartbeat could no longer be detected, & judging from the fetus' size, he/she had already been lost more than a week ago... I could not believe it... there was no signs nor symptoms at all... The last 2 pregnancies were successful, so a miscarriage was out of my mind. I broke down in my gynae's room & cried all the way to the car & back home. By this time, baby should be 8 weeks old. We told our gynae we wanted to wait another 2 weeks before we do the "procedure" - to "clean up inside my womb", or rather, to put it blantly, "to remove him/her from my womb". We were hoping for a miracle, even if it is the thinnest hope.

But the night after my gynae's visit, I started to bleed more. The next morning, I called my gynae to tell him of the bleeding. He told me to go down straight to the hospital to do the procedure asap due to my bleeding. My good friend, Gavin & Vanessa, drove me down to the Mt Alvernia while I cried throughout the whole car journey. Am thankful for them cuz I wasn't in the right state of mind to drive at all. James rushed down from his office, followed by Pst Lily at the hospital.

I cried all the way into the operating theatre. It was the most terrible feeling, knowing the surgery is to remove someone you love so much inside of you & then, he/she is gone forever when you wake up.... I requested for a final scan just to be sure before I was put to sleep... same result... the last thing I remembered was the nurse wiping away my tears & my gynae telling me not to cry anymore...

The next few weeks, I was grieving inside & I was afraid of being alone at home. Kept myself very busy so I wouldn't have time to stop & think. Every time I see a mummy carrying a baby, I would tear. 2 weeks later, I attended an AIA training and the trainer, Edwin, shared a real life story that releases my grief.

Edwin would send his boy to childcare every morning & would bump into this pregnant mummy who is sending her boy to the same childcare ocassionally. One day, he bumped into her husband instead, so he just asked her husband out of courtesy about his wife. The husband then told him that his wife met with a car accident when she was 7th month pregnant. She was in a cab when a car crashed from the back. His wife broke her neck. The doctors, took out the baby, & though was pre-term, was born healthy. The wife, however, became fully paralysed. His husband made a comment, "She never got to hold her child's hands".

I cried in the train home after the training. I just couldn't stop the tears from flowing. I was glad it wasn't peak hours & people around me were being very polite to look away from me. I also never got to hold my unborn's child hands... but I was thankful, because I have the chance to hold Charis' & Enya's hands. I am still blessed. God continues to speak to me through various people - people who didn't know what had happened yet gave me words of knowledge & wisdom. Once again, He showed His love & grace to me.

To my lil' one...
I am sorry I never gotten to hold your little hands,
But I am glad Someone is holding yours now.
I trust in the hands that's holding yours now,
And that He will hold on to you tightly.
One day, I am gonna hold your little hands,
So is Daddy & your lovely sisters.
I love you.

Everything happened so fast it seemed like a dream. Yet, my child will never be forgotten.

In Remembrance of Ng Yok Jui (31/10/62 - 12/01/11)

He had left first to a better place last Wednesday but I only knew about it tonight.

All these years, James had been asking me how would I feel if one day, Ah Jui left me. After all, his health had been deteriorating for the past 3 years rapidly & he was already aging. I never once replied him, & I refused to think about it. Tonight I had to face the reality.

I was in an appointment with a client when I first receive the news. I had to brush everything aside first. After the appointment, I called Ah Jui's cousin to find out what had happened. He was admitted to hospital due to breathlessness. His kidneys had failed, & his lungs were collapsing. He couldn't fight on. Throughout, he was conscious & aware of what's happening. I called Adiel to inform her.

It was only during the way home that the news really sank into me. That's it. I won't see him anymore. I REALLY won't see him anymore...

Ah Jui had been one of my dearest students in JAMs. He never calls me "teacher Gina", but would call me "ah che", which means "sister" in teochew. He had been more than just a student to me.

His love language is receiving gifts, hence he loves giving them too, & he's very generous with this gift. For the past 5 years, he would give me chinese new year card that contains 4 numbers (for me to buy 4D) every year without fail. This year, I would receive none.

He would also often buy gifts for me & his friends, interesting gifts like biscuits, tshirt, tissue paper box wrapped nicely with gift wrapper. When I just got married, some of the students wanted to have copies of my wedding pictures, so I gave to some of them. 2 weeks later, I received a present wrapped nicely from him. It was my wedding photo framed up in a nice photo frame. I was so touched.

I remembered a visitation when I visited him & he asked me to his house the next day. He said he wants to cook dinner for me. I thought he was kidding, but I dropped by his house the next day anyway since we lived so near each other. He really cooked a meal for me. It was just rice with egg, but this simple meal was one of the most memorable.

He is one of the fewer students I would take out for meals ocassionally. Throughout the meals, we sometimes talked very little, but that was enough. He would keep smiling throughout, & that made me happy too.

He's a Teochew & I'm a Hokkien. He can understand my conversation mostly, but I got more difficulty understanding what he said. But it doesn't matter to either of us. He will keep repeating himself until I understand & he never lost patience repeating himself. At the end of the day, we always managed to understand each other, somehow.

There was one visitation when I threw away all the rice in his rice bin as they were starting to get mouldy. He felt so heartpain & so upset that he refused to talk to me for weeks after. I didn't know whether to get upset with him or find him amusing. But we got over it anyway.

Then, I started to nag at him for a period of time. I would tell him the same old things every week, "don't go Hougang Mall to beg", "don't bring such a heavy bag", "don't carry so much money out", "you must come on time next week", "don't drink so much sweet stuffs", "don't anyhow buy things"... & amazingly, he never find me a nag, or maybe he did, but he didn't voice out. Despite all the weekly naggings, he would still listen with full attention & nod his head to me. Never once had he threw tantrum because he had heard enough. He was always this patient towards me.

He would doze off in bus on the journey to church & from church, & I had to wake him every week when we are nearing the destination. I would never get to nudge him to wake up again. Sometimes, when I sat beside him, he would doze off on my shoulder, & I never minded. When he woke up & realised he was sleeping on my shoulder, he would smile cheekily to himself & then lie back again on my shoulder.

When another of our student, William, is having a bad day & is misbehaving himself, Ah Jui will discipline & scold him, especially when he sees William spitting or shouting at me. He is a big protective brother.

The last one year as I had to take care of Charis, I took a break from serving in the bus & visitations. I didn't spent as much time as I should with him. The last time I saw him was last Christmas big day. He was limping badly, yet he made the effort to come church faithfully. That was the last I saw of him.

I wish I was there when he was in the ICU. When he was in pain. When he needed me. When I could have prayed for him right there & then in the room. When I just wanted him to know that I will be there for him even as he fight on. When I could have a chance to tell him that I love him. When those last moments were so precious to him. But I wasn't there.

I wish I don't have to take a ministry break. Perhaps I might have been there for him. I could have spent more time with him in his final year. It is so hard being a mother & serving in a ministry. I wish I don't have to choose. I wish I could have the best of both worlds.

How would I feel if one day, Ah Jui left me? There will always be a missing piece in my heart & N11. Every week, JAMs goes on, but somehow it's no longer the same without him.

Ah Jui, I will miss seeing you carrying your big fat bag up the bus. I will miss Liyen telling me, "he's very fat leh" as you go up the bus. I will miss you greeting Kok Seng by tapping him on the shoulder as you make your way up the bus to your usual seat. The last right seat that had always been reserved for you. Just like how you will always have a place in N11 & in my heart.

Dream List

Dream list:

1. Watch Eclipse.
Ok, the movie's probably going to end its debut soon.

2. Buy the movie cover book of Eclipse.
I have been collecting the past movie cover book of the Twilight series, but I haven't managed to buy the one on Eclipse yet. So far, those I saw in major bookstores are the original book cover version - not what I'm collecting. If I still don't manage to get it soon, they will run out of publication once the movie stops its debut.

3. To present my 3rd wedding anniversary gift to James - scuba diving trip at Rendang.
It is almost past one month due, but he hasn't had time to claim his gift yet.

4. Catch up with Vanessa & celebrate a very beLATEd birthday with her.
Still trying to squeeze time.

5. One full day just rotting without work & Charis.
Possible but very hard.

We always starts with wants. But with time...

Wants becomes hopes...
(That's why we say fat hopes.)

Hopes become wishes...
(Wishes are so rare & precious that they will probably only come true during your birthday.)

Wishes become dreams...
(They become almost extinct that you can only dream on.)

H.U.M.A.N.L.Y. Beautiful

Now that I'm a mummy, I find my time so stretched. Have to juggle work, spending time with Charis & hubby, visit in-laws & mummy, attend church cell group meeting & service, do housework, sleep, etc.

My secret in being able to squeeze them in a fixed short 24 hours day:
1. Skip meals, especially breakfast & lunch
2. Sleep late & wake up early
3. Wake up in the middle of the night to work
4. Being accepting of eye bags & dark eye rings
5. Accumulating housework
6. Sacrifice tea breaks, shopping, tv, movies, etc.

A few days back, some children were playing along the corridor at my lift lobby. Without wearing any make up, I approached the lift lobby to go down to the coffee shop to buy lunch.

One of the kids saw me. He immediately u-turn & ran back to his friends screaming... "ZOMBIE"!!!

...

"Z.O.M.B.I.E."???!!! Argh!!!

Self-esteem crashed!

Big time!!!

I still want to look like 18 years old! Ok, I know that’s not possible, but at least age with grace?

I must retain this look...

...This look before I am married... This look before I am a mummy... People says that a woman stopped looking good after marriage because she stopped bothering to dress up anymore since she's hitched. And when the kids come along, she gets promoted from a hag to an old hag.

I am still a vain pot. I still like to look good. I still like to wear nice clothes, nice shoes, nice makeup & carry nice bags. But I must not be lazy.

I need to soak myself with facial masks, eye gels, serum, moisturer, SK-II & continue the ritual of eating bird nest which I have stopped for the past 11 months. I need to learn to be faithful in even such little things.

I like Twilight, but it doesn't mean I want to be one of them. The last time I checked, James is not Edward. I don't need to turn myself into a zombie.

I want to be human.

Humanly beautiful.

A Tribute to My 2 Great Leaders!!!

This is such an outdated post... I had been wanting to write this post long time ago, especially spurned by Pastor Lily being confered to a Pastor. But I lost my laptop & was "laptop-less" for about 2 weeks. So finally, here's a tribute to my 2 greatest leaders!!!

There are 2 leaders who impacted my life greatly. Pastor Aries is a spiritual "father", while Pastor Lily is a best friend I can always depend on.

I remember those days when I will sit beside Pastor Aries in his church office desk every Friday, helping him with simple administrative work & having personal bible study afterwards. He spent a great deal disciplining me, investing time & effort into my life.We can just sit anywhere in a public place & right there & then, he will speak into my life, and those embarrassing moments when I was so childlike that I will even tear (or sometimes even cry) in public because of his words of wisdom & care & concern.

10 years ago, I had some disappointments in our friendship due to some misunderstandings. Some of the cell group members had tried to sown discord because of their bitterness & I had listened to them foolishly. I drifted away from our friendship then, but he never gave up on our friendship despite my cold & childish treatment. He continued to love me unconditionally, & show me a father's love when my dad had passed away. Friends around me would often tell me how much he loves me. When I knew that he kept each & every of the cards (I wrote lots of cards & letters to him) I had written to him, & he would take them out to read often to encourage himself, I knew I was wrong about him. We reconciled back our friendship, & he became even more my trusted friend & earthly "father".

We had gone through tough times together. I was the cell group helper of N11, & cell group was doing so badly that there was only one member who turned up for cell group meeting -- & that was me! He could have just cancelled the meeting but he didn't because he believed that each & every meeting was a commitment to God. He was smiling throughout the meeting while I was tearing even during praise & word. He taught me a valuable lesson that day - to continue to be positive & smile at the storm. I was so discouraged that I was all ready to give up on the members & quit being a helper. But he refused to give up on me & them & he taught me how to reach out to them by investing in their lives the same way he had invested in mine. Most of those who didn't turn out for that meeting that day are now serving God actively in church. Many of them had became my close friends because he had taught me the important principle of investing in their lives.

He was the one who built up my spiritual foundation. Through all those time that he invested in me & gave me so much personal bible study that when I met many crisis in my life later, I could still hold on to my faith & smile at the storm. He had built everlasting fruits in his life.

My friendship with Pastor Lily started unusually. For the 1st 3 years that I known her, we were never close. We seldom talked outside of ministry & I only knew her as my ex-boyfriend's boss who's fierce & unapproachable & not approving of our relationship. I had my reservations towards her then since she had her reservations about me & my ex-boyfriend. 5 years ago, there was a big saga caused by my ex-boyfriend & he was making false accusations of Pastor Lily to me. Of course,being naive, I supported & believed in him since he was my boyfriend then & I hardly knew Pastor Lily then.

I will always remember that on a Tuesday after Easter week in year 2005, Pastor Derek called me into his office & broke the truth to me about my ex-boyfriend. Pastor Eileen & Pastor Tan also counseled me afterwards. I finally knew who was really the "bad" guy & who was really the "good" one. I finally understood that her reservations were out of love & protection for me. My heart was so shattered. I can't explain why but of all people, I just called Pastor Lily to see if I could see her in her office (then LifeWorks). I immediately boarded a cab to find her. She stopped all her work, just sat down with me while I kept crying. She didn't say much, but that was enough. That day marks the beginning of our friendship.

That year was very difficult for me, but she was constantly there for me. Her love & encouragements helped me walk through that dark period. I would have easily wallowed in self-pity, but she didn't gave me any chance to. Despite of the crisis I was going through, she would get me to lead prayer meetings every Saturdays, to give 3 bible studies weekly, & to serve even more actively in e ministry. Because she gave me so many chances to engage with God & into the lives of others, I was watered as well when I watered others. She taught me to live beyond my crisis.

She was also the one who "matchmake" James & me. We held a lot of reservations about starting a relationship with each other, & she is the one who told us to "go out on dates & try". Well, we tried, & we just celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary yesterday! During our courtship years, we had our ups & downs, & she would conselled us & reconciled our differences. She was our wedding coordinator despite being so heavily pregnant with Aden then & that held a lot of meaning for our big day. She "gave" me a good husband, & in turn, a wonderful family.

When my brother was disabled last year, she visited us despite her busy big day church events. She fought for financial help for my brother's medical bill from CHCSA, & that meant a great deal to my family.

When she was conferred Pastor by Dr Yonggi Cho in Asia Conference last month, I sheded tears of joys in the service, even in the midst of praise of worship. I left Charis alone in church nursery (after much pleas & appeal to the nursery workers) for the first time in church because I want to be there in that service to witness her promotion & to cheer for her. She truly deserves this promotion -- not from man, but by God!

All these years, I had probably shared more secrets with her than anyone else besides James. I know I can always trust in her. She had been a rock in my life -- unwavering & always there for me.

Hippy Mum!

I spent 5 hours at Toni & Guy last Friday just to color my hair! While Jackie worked on my hair, I drank a pot of brewed coffee & a cuppa green tea, read through 3 magazines & a book, had 3 shampoos, 3 hair blows, etc. Shampoo time is my favourite because I can get nice head massage! She applied 6 colors on my hair - blue, purple, pink, red, brown & blonde. But they remove the blonde color in the end because I just can never carry that color well. Blonde always made me looks pale & tired. So I am like carrying a little peacock on my head now.. Haha!

David Mercer, director of Toni & Guy who charges $220 for a haircut, was not well & couldn't turn up for the show on that day. In case you do not know, I am a hair model for David & does modelling show for him when he requires. In return, I'll get unlimited free hair cuts, colors, treatments, & some $ too! Whenever I want to have a hair cut or color, all I have to do is to book an appointment with him at the saloon, & that saves me thousands of dollars for the past 8 years! James is most grateful for that. I'd been modelling for him for 8 years now... since my Uni days. He has seen me through my Uni days, marriage, & now motherhood. Getting too old for this "business"...

A Korean lady named Joshua cut my hair for the show instead. Yes, she's named JOSHUA. It is the first time someone else (besides David) ever cut my hair & she's new in T&G, & that made me real nervous. I was worried she doesn't know which style suits me most & the new hair cut will make me look & feel ugly. But the models I was chatting with kept assuring me that she's a very nice lady.

As she was cutting my hair, I noticed she wore a cross pendant on her necklace. Reminds me of my previous blog & the nice comments I heard about her from other model. Another testimony & angel. We chatted. I had a very strong 6th sense (or prob common sense?) that she's from Pst Yonggi Cho's church. Put a Korean from Seoul & a christian together & I came to that conclusion. Turn out she's now attending the same church as me! God-coincidence! Another person shining in the marketplace. Anyway, I love my new look! :D

Taken on the day after my hair cut by Joshua. A fresh new look. Something different from my usual hairstyle. Somehow more "Korean flavoured". The haircut & color would easily costs more than $500 but I had them free! So blessed!

Side profile. Some of the colors were either not reflected by the camera or hidden. Supposedly to have purple, blue, pink, red, & brown colours.

My new hairstyle without any styling. *Notice my new cross pendant too ;)*

I'm going to Siem Reap!

Today the staff of Raffles City Shopping Centre called me to inform me that I am a proud winner of their lucky draw & I won a trip to Siem Reap, Cambodia! It's a pair of SilkAir tickets plus a 3D2N stay in one of the top spa resorts! I can finally now visit Angkor Wat,

An image of the hotel room that I'll be staying in. Looks very cosy :)

The hotel lobby. Looks very grand.

I can finally visit Angkor Wat, the central feature of the UNESCO World Heritage Site containing the magnificent remains of the Khmer civilization.

Raffles City Shopping Mall is holding 3 fortnightly draws. Simply spend $50 to participate in the draws. The first draw was to Manado, Indonesia. I am the proud winner of the 2nd draw! :D The last draw was to Cebu, Philippines, although I wouldn't mind Cebu too :)

I believe it's all God-coincidence! :) Both of us just gave in the special offering in Rev. John Avanzini's meeting 2 weeks ago, & then we participated in the lucky draw last week. It is the first time I participated in a lucky draw held by a shopping centre. I always felt that it's impossible to be a winner among thousands of entrees, so I couldn't be bothered to join them in the past. But for some weird reason, I had this very strong feeling to enter the lucky draw this time, & we even spend at least 15 mins hunting around the shopping centre (we even went up & down the levels) looking for the customer service just to fill in the lucky draw forms. Usually, James would be grumbling that it's a waste of time & we'll end up not doing it. But somehow, amazingly, he never complained this time & even played along. It must be God's prompting.

& guess what, I was just telling James last week that how nice it would be to go for a short vacation to take a break from all the stress, but we couldn't because of the current financial situation with my brother's condition. God must have known the desire of my heart. Now James & me are just debating whether it's his offering or mine that brought the blessings! Haha!

Felt So Loved :)

My cell group gave me a surprise birthday dinner on 30th Nov 09. James brought me to Swensons for dinner, & lo & behold, some of my cell group members were there to give me a memorable night! :)

I had a double portion of "ice-cream cake"!

Cell group bought a Mphosis bag for my birthday gift. It comes in handy as my new diaper bag :) Of course, James has to try it on as he has to carry for me often ;) Looks more matching on him than my current diaper bag which looks like from Agnis B, but is actually from Mount Alvernia Hospital ;)

They also blessed me with a big ang bao for my brother's medical bills. & I was really touched at the generous amount that all of them gave, for they are so generous! Karen Ten said to me, "That's what friends are for." Indeed, they are friends in need.

A New Beginning!

I am so looking forward to my birthday! Maybe it marks a new beginning? I can't wait for year 2010 to arrive too! A new year brings hope to me :)

This year had been a most difficult year. So many unhappy things had happened at work, family, marriage, etc. Many times I broke down in the shower or wake up crying in the nights. Sometimes the pressures are so overwhelming I feel I am buried under.

I can't wait for year 2009 to be over for a fresh new year to start with. But of course, I know the way I enter year 2010 is determined by the way I end year 2009. So I am gonna stay positive no matter what.

I have become more mature. My faith in God had been tested and stretched. I have learn to invest more in friendship and not to take my spouse for granted. Crisis had bond my family even closer, and I have learn to be a pillar of strength and support for them. Crisis had made me a better person.

Yet I look forward to year 2010 because I know I serve a great God! I believe in His promises. He has given me a hope and a great future. He is the beacon of light in the midst of darkness.

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you," says the LORD, "thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope."

In all these, most importantly, I pray I will have a heart like King David's - to know God.

Jeremiah 24:6-7
For I will set My eyes on them for good, and I will bring them back to this land; I will build them and not pull them down, and I will plant them and not pluck them up. Then I will give them a heart to know Me, that I am the LORD; and they shall be My people, and I will be their God, for they shall return to Me with their whole heart.

According to your faith, it will be done

When James & me visited my brother 2 Thursday night ago, although he was feeling weak & tired, he was still able to sit up and talk. The next morning when I visited him, he had lost the use of his limbs & hands due to the brain damage caused by the virus attacking his brain! He wasn't even able to talk anymore!

On the 4th day that his condition turned worst, the doctor told him & me that he may not make it past that week. My brother fell into depression, & it wasn't better for my family. To see someone so close suddenly became paralysed was already heartbreaking. To know that he may not live was much worst. As his condition deteriorate so suddenly, it was harder for us to accept emotionally.

On the 3rd day that my brother fell critically ill, God spoke clearly to me, "According to your faith, it will be done." I asked Him, "Will my brother be healed?" He repeated, "According to your faith, it will be done."

Despite of my brother's paralyzed condition that I'd been seeing everyday & despite of what the doctor had said, I knew I had to believe that he will be healed. Of course I had fears, great fears, but I also know my brother's life lies in my faith. For according to my faith, it will be done. I chose to believe that God is His Healer.

My brother is now able to talk. Although he is still bedridden, but he is already regaining strength in his left leg & both arms. He is now even able to eat! The doctor said a miracle had happen! Praise God! I believe he will be able to get out of bed & walk very soon! My faith kept him alive!

To all my friends, have faith (despite of your fears)! For according to your faith, it will be done. & have big faith! Small faith = small miracle; big faith = big miracle! Why opt for small miracles when you know you can have big ones?

I Re-Found My Purpose In My Job

How would you feel if you wake up one day to find that you have lost the feel & use of your left arm entirely?

How would you feel if your head is aching severely everyday & painkillers no longer works?

How would you feel if you wake up in a hospital bed & not knowing how long more do you need to stay there?

How would you feel if the doctor tell you that he found something in your brain & he need to do a brain surgery on you to take some specimen out for further laboratory testing before determining the next course of treatment?

How would you feel if you are just 41 years old & has been very healthy & suddenly, you have to go through all these?

That's what happened to my brother... Life is so unpredictable...

I'm glad I got him to buy an insurance plan just last year. Although his plan does not have a very high coverage due to his budget constraint (he doesn't earn a lot of income), yet it does provide some relief to him & my family. One of the first questions he asked besides his condition is about his insurance. Now I can finally comprehend how my clients & their family had & could felt in times like this.

I'm so glad that I'm an insurance agent & I have helped many families. It has inspires me to out there in the highways to reach out to more clients to protect them. Whoever says all insurance agents ever want is their money? Yes, undeniably, I want their money because it is my bread & butter. But I want their money too so that they can have the money needed when they need it the most.

After 5 years in AIA, I have lost my directions many times, especially these 2 years. I'm tired of being in a rat race of chasing after awards & incentives year after year. My colleague once made a remark, "Is my life all about targets?" I'm not someone who pursue after materialistic living, so money is no longer an incentive to me for my job. This year, I didn't even bother to appear for the photo shoot or turn up for the awards presentation.Yet, when I was doing the claim for my brother, it reminded me of the very reason why I had chosen this career. Sometimes, pursuing after awards & incentives are not necessarily bad, especially for my job. It just means I have helped even more people that year. I need to change my complacent attitude.

Year 2006 - Shining Star Award

Year 2007 - Million Dollar Club Award

Year 2008 - Shining Star Award (this year's photo shoot is missing as I didn't turn up for the awards presentation)

Year 2008 - Qualify for Convention to an all-paid expenses trip to Osaka

Have I worked enough recently? Could I have done more for more people?

Valleys

There's a lot of unhappy events in my life recently.

James' grandmother passed away last monday. She died in her sleep after difficulty breathing.

Charis is having colic, so when she's uncomfortable, she'll kept crying & will require my full attention. She's also especially sticky to me when she's uncomfortable. She'll need me to be by her side or carry her throughout the whole day. Yes, I really mean the whole day. If I do put her down, she'll start wailing for quite some time.

My brother is hospitalised again, the second time in 1 week. His left arm is totally numb now, & he can no longer move it. He kept having severe headache as well. The doctor could not diagnose the cause yet. I am so worried about him because his condition is deteriortating very fast. Yet because the doctor could not find the cause, they can only give him panadol to ease the pain. With his current condition, he'll have to quit his job & rest for an indefinite period of time.

I had wanted to work part-time in my current job so that I can spend more time with Charis. Everyday, I see her looks changing. She's growing very fast, & has already shed off the newborn looks. She's learning new tricks & behaviors everyday too. I don't want to miss this special moment of watching her grow up.

Yet, with my brother's condition, I know I cannot aff0rd to work part-time anymore. I'll have to help support my brother's loss income. Now that I'll be working full-time again, I'll need my sister to take care of Charis when I'm working. Charis may even stay overnight at my sister's house when James is overseas or when I have morning appointment the next day too. My sister is a babysitter, & in order to take care of Charis, she'll have to forgo a current job offer. To compensate her, I'll be giving her $700-800/month for taking care of Charis. With Charis' expenses, the pay for my sister & also to support my brother, the financial stress is undeniably there. Building fund is also starting soon.

Life isn't always a bed of roses, so sometimes, things don't out the way we want them to be. The last time I met a crisis was in year 2005. I was in bible school then, & being in the presence of God daily helped me greatly. This time, I find it so hard to soak in God's presence. With Charis' colic, I'm so busy I hardly have time to eat or drink, let alone to pray. Sometimes, in order to pray, I even have to carry her while praying. I have also become so phsyically drained. I used to need to lie on the bed for at least half an hour before I can fall into deep sleep, now I can do so once my head hit the bed. I am also emotionally drained. I don't remember crying so much for years. 2 nights ago, I was on the verge of breaking down, & I called James even while he's in Saudi. I am surprised at this emotional side of me. Have the burden become too heavy?

Yet, just as God has pulled me through in year 2005, I know He can do it for me again. At the end of the tunnel is always the light. The sun always shines again after the dark. There's seasons in life, & seasons passes. The valley is another journey necessary in life that I need to walk through, so that I can reach the mountain top again. Most importantly, I know my God & I know who He is.

Regrets

I'm not someone who have much regrets in life as I prefer to look forward in life, but recently I do have some regrets. James' grandmother passed away last Monday, & there were some regrets.

1. I regret that I didn't visited her enough while she was around.
I didn't visit her this year as I was often sick during my pregnancy. The fondest memory I have of her is when I visited her at her house 2 years ago & she chatted so much with me. Even though I couldn't understand her dialect language very well, we both enjoyed each other's presence.

2. I regret that I never brought Charis to visit her.
She's staying at an old folk's home as she's bedridden & there's no one to take care of her at her house. As Charis is just a newborn, we try to avoid bringing her to the home as newborn tend to be more susceptible to viruses & bacteria. Hence, she has never seen her great grand-daughter before, & Charis has never & will never met her great grand-mother. How many people has the good fortune in life to have a great grand-daughter, yet sadly, they have never met.

My brother was admitted to A&E recently for stroke-like symptoms. He dotes on me a lot. I still remember those days when he would fetch me home from school on his bicycle when I was younger. I do not want to have any regrets towards him, & I'm working towards it.

If someone that you know is no longer around tomorrow, will you have any regrets? Today is a gift that God has given, so treasure it. Time is never on our side, but we can choose to live out the best of it.

Post Natal Blues

I was actually suffering from post-natal depression a few weeks ago. My life has changed dramatically, & even though I'd been preparing myself for it, mental preparation & reality seems so different. I would cry every night to sleep, & I would wake up in the middle of the night to cry again. My appetite went down. I was not eating & sleeping well. Being physically drained, it affected my emotions even more.

First of all, I was not able to accept Charis. Yes, it sounds weird, but I just cannot register that she is really my daughter. For some strange reason, I just don't feel bonded to her. It made me felt lousy as a mummy.

Secondly, I was having so many problems with feeding Charis. At first, the stress was that she wouldn't latch on for breastfeeding & I have so little breast milk for her too. When finally, she is willing & able to latch on, my nipples became so sore at her suckling that it was so painful I can't even get to sleep at night. Also, breastfeeding keeps you busy every 2 hours, so there was hardly enough rest for me.

Thirdly, there was those typical issues with mother-in-law. The different methods of taking care of babies, the imposing of personal space, over-anxious over Charis & the endless nags... etc. I was so affected that I would lock myself in my room whenever she's here to avoid her. Cropping myself up in the room made me felt like a prisoner. As if confinement in the house wasn't bad enough, now I'm feeling confined in my own room as well.

Fourthly & interestingly, I actually felt jealous when James pay so much more attention to Charis, his parents , & even the house chores! I needed his support then, but somehow he always seems so busy with other things except spending time with me. I was so mad at him! Yet he was doing so much as a daddy that it made me feel even more guilty for feeling jealous even over our precious daughter. Now thinking back, I can laugh at myself for being so silly! Haha!

Lastly, some of the confinement practices were driving me crazy. Not bathing everyday increases my body temperature. When I feel hot, i get more frustrated. When I don't smell nice, I don't feel nice! Also, coping myself at home & not being able to go out made me feels like a prisoner.

In case you are thinking that they were all petty issues, yes, I now agree that you are right! I guessed it was my hormones readjusting after birth that's causing all those blues & making me touchy & sensitive. During that period of time, I refused to share with James because I know it would sounds so silly to him. So keeping everything to myself worsen it.

2 weeks ago, I broke down & finally told James everything. Sharing creates wonders. I came out of depression overnight!

Lessons I have learnt the hard way & tips for new mums-to-be:1. Spend time with your baby by carrying them, massaging them, & touching them even when they are sleeping most of the time. Touch creates bonding. But don't expect the bond to happen overnight. Babies are like adults - you need to take time to create mutual bonding & trust.

2. Don't give yourself too much pressure over breastfeeding. Ask your hubby to help you latch on the baby. His presence is a form of support. Take a day break from breastfeeding if necessary when you find that you cannot cope with breastfeeding issues. Rest well to recuperate. Insufficient rest & stress can cause significant decrease in milk flow.

3. Talk to your hubby over any in-laws issues. Don't bottled them up because it will not just affect your future relationship with your in-laws, but also your marriage. Bear in mind that your in-laws love your baby & they did everything out of that love & good intention even though you may not agree with them.

4. Don't be afraid or embarrassed to tell your hubby if you need his attention. Nothing sounds silly to him & he will be more than happy to spend time with you. After our talk, we went out on a few occasions to spend private time together. This was the very hand that held mine as we walk down the aisle together on our wedding day, & the same hand will still hold mine till death do us part.

5. Break the confinement practice if need be. Besides being physically healthy, staying emotionally healthy is as important because you got a long way ahead of you. Being emotionally unhealthy is dangerous because you are carrying a time bomb inside you which may break down your marriage & life. I went out for some fresh air even if it is just to the neighborhood mall. You need to be away from your baby & the pressure at home at times. Do wear long sleeve & pants to minimise exposure to wind. I bathe frequently towards the middle of the confinement too. It made me feels fresher. A warm bath can calm & relax you. Do bathe with herbal water to prevent rheumatism.

A happy mummy = a happy baby & hubby = a happy family

Yes, I cried...

Charis had been crying every night since Monday for at least 3 hours nightly, & she doesn't just cry, she wails. We don't know what else to do except to keep carrying her to comfort her, but she just couldn't stop wailing her lungs out. I felt so heart pain for her when I see her in so much distress, but I also couldn't help myself from feeling frustrated at her. I thought she was being difficult & was throwing tantrums.

On Tuesday night, her stools were liquid & green in colour! We got such a terrible shock. Meanwhile, her wailing gotten worse. She also began to demand a lot of attention & need me to constantly carry her, sometimes for hours. Once I put her down on her cot, she would began another screaming round. By Wednesday afternoon, I was so exhausted that my patience ran out. As she began her rounds of crying, I also started to cry. The moment I cried, she immediately grew very silent & looked at me intently while in my arms. I think somehow she could sense that I was sad & unhappy.

On Thursday, her stools were liquid again. This time, it was more green than ever. I immediately brought her to her doctor & realised she had colic. Now I began to understand that she was not trying to be difficult or throwing tantrum, but she was behaving like that because she was feeling so uncomfortable.

I cancelled all my remaining appointments for the rest of the week since Wednesday so that I can look after her personally. It is so exhausting taking care of a baby. My whole day is so easily occupied by her. Working life has become so much simpler. Although I yearn for a break & is tempted to leave her at my sister's house, yet I can't put my ease especially when she is sick. But I really need a break soon... probably next week once she's feeling better.

When Charis cry, I wanna cry too :'(

Auntie Jiaoyi (confinement lady) left yesterday morning & I wonder if that's the reason that Charis had been very difficult yesterday. She was very whinny in the morning & kept wanting me to carry her. Then she cried non-stop for 3 hours in the night. No matter how I tried to comfort or reassure her, she just can't stop crying. I felt so stressed & helpless when she's behaving like this that I almost cried along with her. The worst is I had a very severe headache too, & I still have to wake up despite the headache to feed her in the night. Parenting can be so hard... but it's a process that I must go through, so I will grit my teeth hard & be positive about it! :)

Auntie Jiaoyi with Charis

Today is the first day I'm home alone with her. I think bathing her is the biggest hurdle that I'd crossed. She cried on Sunday when I tried to bathe her for the 1st time as she was so scared, & it didn't help that I was nervous too. She didn't cry when I bathe her yesterday & this morning to my relief, so I gotta keep it up! She also didn't demand me carrying her a lot this morning :) I hope she'll keep up her good mood :) I'm going for an appointment tonight, & I'm quite confident James can handle her pretty well. I think she'll be sleeping by the time I come home :'( Do you think she can sense my absence & will miss me too?

Mixed Feelings...

My 1 month confinement is gonna be over in another 3 days... which also means I gonna start work soon :'( A lot of people told me to rest longer, and I wish as much too... but at the back of my mind is always the career benefit. I gotta clear my career benefit target by end of November.

Honestly, I wish I don't have to start work so soon so that I can spend more time with Charis. Yet, on the other hand, although work is stressful, I do look forward to it too. You hardly meet people who look forward to working right? I look forward to it because I want to clear my career benefit target faster to set my heart at ease earlier. Another motivation is also my bunch of wonderful colleagues! :)

I don't know if I can adapt to working life & being a mother... There's a lot of issues at the back of my mind... eg. how many night appointments should I have weekly so that I can still spend time with Charis? How should I plan my work schedule? Do I leave her over the night at my sister's house or should I bring her home? If I bring her home over the night, will James be too tired to work the next day? Can I cope taking care of Charis alone the next day when James is not around? So many questions... I'll just have to take one step at a time...

Also, my sister can't take care of Charis in the weekends, so now James & me have to think hard how to attend church service & serve in JAMs too. We wanted to bring her to JAMs so that both of us can still serve, but Joli advised us not to. She said one of the students hit a newcomer's baby recently & had to go to the hospital for a head scan... better don't risk it... But we'll definitely bring her to JAMs when she's older because we want her to know that there's such a special group of people around her, & we want to teach her to love & serve them even when she's young. That's why we named her "Charis". God does not depise our youth, & I believe she can help in her little ways too. "As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord!" We wanted to bring her to church service too, but many advised us against it until she's at least 3 months old... Hmm... we'll have to pray hard for creative solutions... I haven't been attending service because of my confinement & I missed the presence of God.

A Confinement Lady Works Wonders

I'm so glad for my confinement lady. Although we are paying alot for her services ($1,900/mth), but I'm so glad I'd made that choice of hiring one. She relieves us so much of the housework, and now, I even have time to go online or watch my Hongkong drama serials dvds.

I can't wait to go out though, even though I already shop at Punggol Plaza last Thursday. I already plan to go out on Monday since it's a public holiday! So excited about it le! :D

Little Angel

I'd created Baby Charis' blog a few weeks ago. It's titled "God's little angel", & she's our dearest angel too! :D Welcome to her blog http://www.iluvcharis.blogspot.com/

The first few days that we brought her home was pretty tough for me. I find it hard to accept the fact that I'm really a mummy now and that she's my girl. One moment, she was in my tummy; the next moment, she's alive and kicking. I feel helpless as a mummy because I don't really know how to take care of her. And the worst experience was breastfeeding. She simply won't suckle, and when she does, my nipples are sore from her suckling. As she won't suckle, I'll have to pump out the milk every 2-3 hours. It makes me so busy that I don't really have the time to rest although I know I'm supposed to be lying down in bed most of the times. Sitting down for long period of time pumping the milk also worsen my backaches, sometimes so severe that I'm not able to get up after sitting down. I think if I don't insist on breastfeeding, life would be so much easier... but for Charis' well-being... after all, all mummy are "wei da"!

However, I'm really grateful that Charis is an easy baby to take care. She has a very good temper and don't really cry much. Even when she does cry, she never wails. And she's easily comforted as well; just carry her for a while, talk to her and assure her, and voila! She's a happy baby! Even when she's not feeling well, she doesn't throw tantrums. Isn't she adorable? :D She just makes me fall in love with her more with each passing day! So, all the sacrifices are worth it. But till now, I still love James more than her! Heehee...