In Remembrance of Ng Yok Jui (31/10/62 - 12/01/11)

He had left first to a better place last Wednesday but I only knew about it tonight.

All these years, James had been asking me how would I feel if one day, Ah Jui left me. After all, his health had been deteriorating for the past 3 years rapidly & he was already aging. I never once replied him, & I refused to think about it. Tonight I had to face the reality.

I was in an appointment with a client when I first receive the news. I had to brush everything aside first. After the appointment, I called Ah Jui's cousin to find out what had happened. He was admitted to hospital due to breathlessness. His kidneys had failed, & his lungs were collapsing. He couldn't fight on. Throughout, he was conscious & aware of what's happening. I called Adiel to inform her.

It was only during the way home that the news really sank into me. That's it. I won't see him anymore. I REALLY won't see him anymore...

Ah Jui had been one of my dearest students in JAMs. He never calls me "teacher Gina", but would call me "ah che", which means "sister" in teochew. He had been more than just a student to me.

His love language is receiving gifts, hence he loves giving them too, & he's very generous with this gift. For the past 5 years, he would give me chinese new year card that contains 4 numbers (for me to buy 4D) every year without fail. This year, I would receive none.

He would also often buy gifts for me & his friends, interesting gifts like biscuits, tshirt, tissue paper box wrapped nicely with gift wrapper. When I just got married, some of the students wanted to have copies of my wedding pictures, so I gave to some of them. 2 weeks later, I received a present wrapped nicely from him. It was my wedding photo framed up in a nice photo frame. I was so touched.

I remembered a visitation when I visited him & he asked me to his house the next day. He said he wants to cook dinner for me. I thought he was kidding, but I dropped by his house the next day anyway since we lived so near each other. He really cooked a meal for me. It was just rice with egg, but this simple meal was one of the most memorable.

He is one of the fewer students I would take out for meals ocassionally. Throughout the meals, we sometimes talked very little, but that was enough. He would keep smiling throughout, & that made me happy too.

He's a Teochew & I'm a Hokkien. He can understand my conversation mostly, but I got more difficulty understanding what he said. But it doesn't matter to either of us. He will keep repeating himself until I understand & he never lost patience repeating himself. At the end of the day, we always managed to understand each other, somehow.

There was one visitation when I threw away all the rice in his rice bin as they were starting to get mouldy. He felt so heartpain & so upset that he refused to talk to me for weeks after. I didn't know whether to get upset with him or find him amusing. But we got over it anyway.

Then, I started to nag at him for a period of time. I would tell him the same old things every week, "don't go Hougang Mall to beg", "don't bring such a heavy bag", "don't carry so much money out", "you must come on time next week", "don't drink so much sweet stuffs", "don't anyhow buy things"... & amazingly, he never find me a nag, or maybe he did, but he didn't voice out. Despite all the weekly naggings, he would still listen with full attention & nod his head to me. Never once had he threw tantrum because he had heard enough. He was always this patient towards me.

He would doze off in bus on the journey to church & from church, & I had to wake him every week when we are nearing the destination. I would never get to nudge him to wake up again. Sometimes, when I sat beside him, he would doze off on my shoulder, & I never minded. When he woke up & realised he was sleeping on my shoulder, he would smile cheekily to himself & then lie back again on my shoulder.

When another of our student, William, is having a bad day & is misbehaving himself, Ah Jui will discipline & scold him, especially when he sees William spitting or shouting at me. He is a big protective brother.

The last one year as I had to take care of Charis, I took a break from serving in the bus & visitations. I didn't spent as much time as I should with him. The last time I saw him was last Christmas big day. He was limping badly, yet he made the effort to come church faithfully. That was the last I saw of him.

I wish I was there when he was in the ICU. When he was in pain. When he needed me. When I could have prayed for him right there & then in the room. When I just wanted him to know that I will be there for him even as he fight on. When I could have a chance to tell him that I love him. When those last moments were so precious to him. But I wasn't there.

I wish I don't have to take a ministry break. Perhaps I might have been there for him. I could have spent more time with him in his final year. It is so hard being a mother & serving in a ministry. I wish I don't have to choose. I wish I could have the best of both worlds.

How would I feel if one day, Ah Jui left me? There will always be a missing piece in my heart & N11. Every week, JAMs goes on, but somehow it's no longer the same without him.

Ah Jui, I will miss seeing you carrying your big fat bag up the bus. I will miss Liyen telling me, "he's very fat leh" as you go up the bus. I will miss you greeting Kok Seng by tapping him on the shoulder as you make your way up the bus to your usual seat. The last right seat that had always been reserved for you. Just like how you will always have a place in N11 & in my heart.

Sad Birthday

I was looking forward to my birthday the last few days. Birthdays to me bring new hopes & joy like a new year signifies.

But 3 hours before the clock strike 12 to my birthday, I received an extremely bad & grave news. What a way to spend my birthday losing sleep & feeling stressed.

I guessed this birthday is especially sad too because James is not around in Singapore & probably uncontactable from this morning onwards as he'll be offshore & there's no network coverage in the middle of the ocean. Him not being around means one less soulmate to pour out my burdens to.

I only have 1 birthday wish: That God will turn around things for my beloved friend & grant them favor & protection.

The Most Touching Wedding

- pics & story credited to a true story -

January 15, 2005.

21-year-old Katie Kirkpatrick — the girl “with a contagious smile and unrelenting optimism” who had been battling cancer for three years and even took part in champion cyclist Lance Armstrong’s Ride for the Roses cancer fundraiser — married 23 year-old Lapeer County sheriff’s deputy Nick Goodwin, her high school sweetheart and the love of her life, at Church of Christ in Hazel Park, Michigan.

This picture was taken prior to their wedding January 11th, 2005.
Katie has terminal cancer and spends hours in chemotherapy.
Here Nick awaits while she finishes one of the sessions...


Even in pain and dealing with her organs shutting down, with the help of morphine, Katie took care of every single part of the wedding planning.
Her dress had to be adjusted several times due to Katie 's constant weight loss.


An expected guest was her oxygen tank. Katie had to use it during the ceremony and reception.
The other couple in this picture is Nick's parents, very emotional with the wedding and to see their son marrying the girl he fell in love when he was an adolescent.


Katie , in a wheel chair listening to her husband and friends singing to her.


In the middle of the party, Katie had to rest for a bit and catch her breath.
The pain does not allow her to stand for long period of time.


Katie died 5 days after her wedding.

Nick said of the wedding and Katie’s passing:

It was wonderful. It was a dream come true. She was the most beautiful angel ever—just caring and selfless, and such an inspiration to everyone. She was always smiling no matter what happened, no matter what news she got. She was as close to perfect as they come.

Katie Kirkpatrick’s story reminds me of 1 Cor 13. Love never fails & it conquers all.

1st Family Overseas Trip - 3D2N BATAM

Since James was away for a whole month last month, we been pondering on a short getaway to spend some quality time together, a relaxing one given my pregnancy state. However, we decided to bring Charis along since we can't bear to leave her behind while we enjoy ourselves somewhere far away. We also asked my sisters along since it is no longer another honeymoon with Charis around anyway...

We stayed in Harris Resort - a family oriented resort with their own bowling alleys, big swimming pool, kids club, ktv, flying fox, bicycles & board games rental etc. But I love their staffs' service the most - warm, friendly & very helpful. However, the resort is located at such a ulu pandan place. Just to reach the town by car takes us half an hour...

Charis always love to go out (in her terms, its "gai gai"), so she was smiling, laughing & giggling the whole time for the 1st 2 days. My sisters even commented the person who enjoyed the most for this trip must definitely be her. The time we spend together also created an obvious closer bond although it was only 3 days.

I must say I am very pleased & even proud of her because she was very well-behaved (except for that few moments of mischiefs). For the city tour, she never made any noise throughout the whole day bus trip even though she was very tired. She just lie down on James' lap peacefully & even sat quietly with us throughout the meals. Many praised her for being such a good girl!

The drama (or trauma) happened on the last day in the return ferry trip. She finally gave in to her tiredness & she was very cranky in the ferry, crying for 3/4 of the ferry journey. Everyone was looking at us & I was so embarrassed, but there was just no way to quieten her down. Stressed... I guessed 2 days is her maximum limit for overseas trip & before that, we were even thinking of bringing her to Japan next year after I'd given birth.. Hopefully bieng older, she can cope better by then.

As for me, I was totally exhausted by the end of the 2nd day. One of my sisters was pick-pocketed (pls buy travel insurance whenever u travel), & we had to go through some hassles & "bribes" to make a police report. By the time we reached back the hotel, I was so exhausted that I vomited all my dinner & fell asleep straight once my head hit the bed.

I felt better when I woke up the next day, & it brightened my morning just to see Charis having fun at the baby pool. However I was so irritated with Charis in the ferry that it kind of affected my mood & made me even more tired. I guessed things would be better if I am not pregnant, as it means I will be less tired & more patient.

But despite of all the discomfort & tiredness, it was most rewarding to see Charis enjoying herself so much. I guessed that's always in a parent's heart - just to see their child smile.

Whom Jesus Loves

James, being in Brunei for the past one month & for the next coming month, may not be with me now, but nevertheless, I know that my Jesus is with me.

When I feel so exhausted, sick, & uncomfortable, He is with me.

When I feel so lonely & restless, He is with me.

When I just want to talk to somebody & there's no one, He is with me.

When I get emotional because of my pregnancy hormones, He is with me.

When I feel so helpless taking care of Charis alone, He is with me.

Jesus loves me, calls me His own.
Jesus loves me, He makes me whole.
Jesus loves me, heart overflows.
It is well, it is well with my soul.

Families' Birthday

In one weekend, we celebrated my brother's birthday at home & my neice 21st birthday at her chalet! Wow, eventful!

It had been a blessing to celebrate his birthday after an eventful year, & even though many things had changed in his life, I thank God for every of his single day & there'll be more birthdays to come till we're old.

My family had always been a close knited one, & I love & treasure every one of them.

A PRIVILEGE to Serve

Something's been bothering me for months... & that's about returning to JAMs to serve. It has not been easy to do that anymore since I had Charis. My sister can't take care of Charis on Saturdays morning so either James or me had to stay home to look after her while one of us serve. So far, security team seems to need him more than my busing needs as Rebecca had been doing such a great job, so it had been me that's staying home on Saturdays morning while he serves.

Finally, we did some sacrificial arrangement by me forgoing work on one of the weekdays to take care of Charis in order to "compensate" my sister for taking care of Charis on Saturday instead. Of course, it is not such a smooth negotiation since weekends are precious break for her since she can finally go out with her children on that day.

We were so excited that I even announced to Pst Lily, Adiel & Rebecca about it... but then complications arises recently again...

I used to take serving in a ministry for granted, but now that I am not able to serve, I realised that serving is a PRIVILEGE. I used to complain about those hours I had to put in, those sacrifices I had to make, those clients & income I had to "forgo" in order to have more time to serve, those unappreciative moments, etc. Now that I don't have to sacrifice anything, I don't have anything to complain anymore, but I am not happier either.

I miss my bus N11. I missed my students whom I always call them my children, especially the girls, William & Jason.

I miss standing at the sound console, playing & fixing the sound.

I miss seeing the students stream into the hall, all excited & full of smiles.

I miss the them coming up to me & shake my hands & say hi & bye to me.

I miss them cheering for their friends during games time.

I miss watching them praising & worshiping God.

I even miss the object lesson which I seldom pay any attention to.

Almost every time after James come back from JAMs, he would update me about the service & my students. This was our way of helping me "stay in touch". When he tell me that they had a very good worship session & God's presence was very strong, I would wish I was there too.

Indeed, being able to serve is a PRIVILEGE.

It was such a yearning within me, but all I could do was to cry out to God to make a way out for me to serve. In the past, I would have thought it was crazy to be so desperate to serve that I would even cry about it in my quiet time with God. I used to look forward to the day when I can finally take a "break" from serving, but now I am looking forward to take a "break" from my ministry leave instead. What an impact JAMs have made in my life subconsiously all these years that this ministry has so become such a part of my life now.

I understand that there are seasons in our life when we need to priortise certain things at certain moments. But isn't it wonderful if every seasons we can have the capacity to still meet those priorities & serve at the same time? I don't have this capacity yet, but I pray that one day I will have it, & I'm learning to take a step of faith towards that.