Charis' First School Excursion

We are going to the zoo, zoo, zoo!

For the very first time, I'm accompanying Charis to her school's excursion to the zoo! Woohoo!

We set off from the school by the school bus & Charis was so excited because this is her first time on a school bus! & well, it was mine first in probably the last twenty years too :p

Honestly, it was more tiring following the school than to go on our own. It was a lot of waiting, waiting & waiting (ok, u got what I mean). Every 10-20 mins of walking, we would wait for the group to gather, do a headcount, drink water, rest our tired feet, visit washrooms, etc. The waiting makes me more tired than the actual walking actually. & half the time, Charis wants to be carried! OMG!

I'm glad she enjoyed herself though & also gotten to know some of her friends through this trip.

My Church, My Life

26th Jun: Pst Kong Hee was arrested with 4 others from City Harvest Church.

27th Jun: Friends & family began questioning me about this man & aired their views.

Early morning of 28th Jun: I couldn’t sleep. This man kept appearing in my mind. Yesterday someone commented, “Look to the Word & God, & not worship this man.” Do I worship this man? No, I am very certain I worship God. But I love this man enough to call him my spiritual father. We cannot choose our family, but in this aspect, I can & had made my choice 15 years ago. At age 16, I had chosen City Harvest Church to be my family, & Pst Kong Hee to be my spiritual father. This will still be my choice today. There’s this Chinese saying, “Once a father, always a father.” I am honored to have this man to guide my faith & walk alongside with me the past 15 years.

You may ask what has this man done to deserve all my unwavering support? Am I crazy? Am I illogical? I don’t even know him personally! In fact, he is just a man standing at the pulpit every week preaching. Yet, this man changed my life. It took a lot from me before I penned down this article about my life because they were very personal & private experiences. But in comparison to what he & the church had done for me, this small voice pales in comparison.

 

My dad was in his final stage of his life during the crucial months leading up to my “A” levels examinations & eventually passed away in the midst of my papers. I was all prepared to give up on my studies, but Pst Kong’s teachings about “building an excellence for God & that His grace is more than sufficient for us” helped me to press on to my family’s pride of me graduating with a bachelor degree from NUS. My church family hovered around me rendering support & encouragements during those difficult moments. My cell group leader then, Pst Aries (who is now Executive Pastor of CHC & was discipled by Pst Kong personally), took on a father’s role to a fatherless. He watched over my studies & volunteered to pay for my tuition fees. There were countless times he cried & grief together with me – just like how a father would. I had not known of any other man who had raise up countless of such leaders who impacted lives.

Pst Aries officiating my wedding.

In my early twenties, I went through a period of traumatic relationship. My ex-boyfriend went off with another girl 1 year into our relationship. Stupidly & naively, I continued our relationship. 1 year later, he was arrested with molestation for not just 1, but 5 girls. Even more stupidly this time, I still hang on to him. Half a yr later, I was called to meet a few Pastors in the church & they told me my ex-boyfriend was spotted by another church member in a nightclub that the father of the church member owns. He was lying on one of the night hostess’ laps. Would I have continued to stupidly forgive him? Most probably.

But that day, I will never forget how Pst Tan Ye Peng (one of the Pastors being arrested) said this sentence very seriously & sternly to me, “If you are my daughter, I will not let you be with such a man.” I could still remember vividly his entire facial expressions & body posture as if etched into my memory. A simple sentence but was a full glimpse of a father’s love for me. I called my ex-boyfriend the same day & broke off our relationship.

That day, I knew love – a greater love expressed by God through His people. If not for him, I would not have been happily married today to a wonderful hubby & having 2 gorgeous girls. Had I known Pst Tan too prior to that meeting? No, I do not, but he cared enough for a stranger to speak into my life. That half an hour he had spent counseling me changed my life. That short meeting was enough time for me to know that every word he had spoken was not just out of duty, but of genuine love & concern.

So no matter what the media or news had reported, I will still continue to choose to love these men. I am where I am today because these men had love enough to invest in me & my life. Do you know what went through my life? Have you stood by me during those moments? Some of my dear friends & family members had the privilege to, but these men, strangers as they were, cared for me enough to be deserved to be called my family today. They stood by me during my toughest moments in life. Why should I walk out of them now.

These men built a church, & this church built many lives. A family was created through them, & a family stays together. My church, my life.

Happy Birthday Mummy & Enya!

To my most beloved mum, thanks for working so hard to provide me all the way to University. I had never heard you complaint about life, and your love to us is always so unconditional. Through the years, I saw the tough side of you raising us up, and I also saw your soft sides when you cried together with us. You are such an amazing mum!

To my precious Enya, you are such a bubbly child that lights up my life with your cheeky smile! I can never be upset at your mischievious ways once your smile melted my heart.  Thanks for all your generous hugs & kisses & for filling my love tank. I love you much much too!

Disastrous March - A Month of Visitations to the Hospitals

It started with Charis developing HFMD. As it was a sunday night when we had first discovered the rashes, we had to send her to KK Hospital since all the clinics were closed. Thankfully, hers was mild & she didn't have much problems with eating & drinking. She was quarantined for 10 days at home, & we had already gotten so bored midway. I was so thankful when her MC was finally over & the PD certified that she is fit for school, which also means I can finally be back to work! So many work to catch up!

Almost immediately after Charis returned to school, she came back with a cough & passed on the virus to Enya. Enya's cough developed into throat iritation, then infection, & she refused fluid due to the pain. We admitted her to Mount Alvernia Hospital. However, instead of getting better, her cough got worse! She would cry (in fact wail) at the sight of the nurses as they would remind her of drip, injections, blood test & medicines. Poor Enya! Her constant crying caused her cough to escalate into Bronchitis & what was a mild cough turned into a 5 days stay at the hospital. It was a tramautic experience for her. She would hug on to me the whole time & asked to be carried constantly.

Her eyes & face were all puffy from the crying! Her hands were bandaged to prevent her from removing the drip.

I even had to sleep besides her by squeezing into the baby cot together with her! Thank God for my petite size...

If you think the worst is over... not quite yet... The following week after Enya was discharged from the hospital, we attended our usual church service. It was Sunday morning. Pastor was preaching halfway when I received a sms from a church friend asking me to pass some stuffs to her because she has to go off soon. So halfway during the service, I made my way (carrying Enya) to meet her outside the auditorium. While going down the staircase, I missed a step & slipped down a few flights of stairs & landed on the floor with Enya sitting on top of me! Thank God I was carrying her with a baby carrier, so I didn't lose grip of her & thank God she actually landed on me & not the other way round! But it was such a bad fall that I sprained my ankle & couldn't get up at all. I was wheeled out of the auditorium on a wheelchair & send to Mount Elizabeth Hospital A&E. The xray showed no broken bones (phew!) & I was expected to be on a cast & walking frame for 2 weeks! However, it must be due to God's healing that I managed to walk almost normally by the 3rd day.

March was a month of visitations to the hospitals & I prayed it will all end here!

To the little hands that I'd never got to hold...

This one whole yr, I had meant to update this blog with sweet memories of Enya's birth & growing process, but had been too busy or rather... lazy too... Yet, there is this particular entry that happened just 2-3 weeks ago & I felt I needed to note down this bitter memory of mine in memory of another deserving child...

In mid Oct, I realised I was pregnant again with a 3rd child. I cried when it was confirmed... not out of joy, but rather, of stress & anxiety... How can I cope with a 3rd child both physically & financially when Charis & Enya are still so young?! The 1st week of pregnancy, I was practically crying everyday due to the stress. I was not prepared at all for this 3rd child...

During this period of time, a friend had just given birth at 7th mth of pregnancy. The baby was not doing well & was in neonatal care. She posted a pic on facebook of her bb wrapping her daddy's big index finger with her small little hands. It was heart wrenching & I cried when I saw the photo. A revelation hit me! If I can cry upon seeing other baby fighting for their own lives, why should I not treasure my own little one's life? I made up my mind then to love my little unborn one.

The 2nd & 3rd week, I was basked in joy & went around shopping for clothes & toys for this coming baby! I bought 5 pieces of rompers & 3 toys for him/her & that's a lot, considering I only bought 2 sets of clothes & no toys at all for Enya! For some weird & unexplainable reasons, I felt especially excited about this pregnancy.

On 6th Dec, just 4 days after my birthday, James & me went to my gynae's routine checkup. Baby's heartbeat could no longer be detected, & judging from the fetus' size, he/she had already been lost more than a week ago... I could not believe it... there was no signs nor symptoms at all... The last 2 pregnancies were successful, so a miscarriage was out of my mind. I broke down in my gynae's room & cried all the way to the car & back home. By this time, baby should be 8 weeks old. We told our gynae we wanted to wait another 2 weeks before we do the "procedure" - to "clean up inside my womb", or rather, to put it blantly, "to remove him/her from my womb". We were hoping for a miracle, even if it is the thinnest hope.

But the night after my gynae's visit, I started to bleed more. The next morning, I called my gynae to tell him of the bleeding. He told me to go down straight to the hospital to do the procedure asap due to my bleeding. My good friend, Gavin & Vanessa, drove me down to the Mt Alvernia while I cried throughout the whole car journey. Am thankful for them cuz I wasn't in the right state of mind to drive at all. James rushed down from his office, followed by Pst Lily at the hospital.

I cried all the way into the operating theatre. It was the most terrible feeling, knowing the surgery is to remove someone you love so much inside of you & then, he/she is gone forever when you wake up.... I requested for a final scan just to be sure before I was put to sleep... same result... the last thing I remembered was the nurse wiping away my tears & my gynae telling me not to cry anymore...

The next few weeks, I was grieving inside & I was afraid of being alone at home. Kept myself very busy so I wouldn't have time to stop & think. Every time I see a mummy carrying a baby, I would tear. 2 weeks later, I attended an AIA training and the trainer, Edwin, shared a real life story that releases my grief.

Edwin would send his boy to childcare every morning & would bump into this pregnant mummy who is sending her boy to the same childcare ocassionally. One day, he bumped into her husband instead, so he just asked her husband out of courtesy about his wife. The husband then told him that his wife met with a car accident when she was 7th month pregnant. She was in a cab when a car crashed from the back. His wife broke her neck. The doctors, took out the baby, & though was pre-term, was born healthy. The wife, however, became fully paralysed. His husband made a comment, "She never got to hold her child's hands".

I cried in the train home after the training. I just couldn't stop the tears from flowing. I was glad it wasn't peak hours & people around me were being very polite to look away from me. I also never got to hold my unborn's child hands... but I was thankful, because I have the chance to hold Charis' & Enya's hands. I am still blessed. God continues to speak to me through various people - people who didn't know what had happened yet gave me words of knowledge & wisdom. Once again, He showed His love & grace to me.

To my lil' one...
I am sorry I never gotten to hold your little hands,
But I am glad Someone is holding yours now.
I trust in the hands that's holding yours now,
And that He will hold on to you tightly.
One day, I am gonna hold your little hands,
So is Daddy & your lovely sisters.
I love you.

Everything happened so fast it seemed like a dream. Yet, my child will never be forgotten.

In Remembrance of Ng Yok Jui (31/10/62 - 12/01/11)

He had left first to a better place last Wednesday but I only knew about it tonight.

All these years, James had been asking me how would I feel if one day, Ah Jui left me. After all, his health had been deteriorating for the past 3 years rapidly & he was already aging. I never once replied him, & I refused to think about it. Tonight I had to face the reality.

I was in an appointment with a client when I first receive the news. I had to brush everything aside first. After the appointment, I called Ah Jui's cousin to find out what had happened. He was admitted to hospital due to breathlessness. His kidneys had failed, & his lungs were collapsing. He couldn't fight on. Throughout, he was conscious & aware of what's happening. I called Adiel to inform her.

It was only during the way home that the news really sank into me. That's it. I won't see him anymore. I REALLY won't see him anymore...

Ah Jui had been one of my dearest students in JAMs. He never calls me "teacher Gina", but would call me "ah che", which means "sister" in teochew. He had been more than just a student to me.

His love language is receiving gifts, hence he loves giving them too, & he's very generous with this gift. For the past 5 years, he would give me chinese new year card that contains 4 numbers (for me to buy 4D) every year without fail. This year, I would receive none.

He would also often buy gifts for me & his friends, interesting gifts like biscuits, tshirt, tissue paper box wrapped nicely with gift wrapper. When I just got married, some of the students wanted to have copies of my wedding pictures, so I gave to some of them. 2 weeks later, I received a present wrapped nicely from him. It was my wedding photo framed up in a nice photo frame. I was so touched.

I remembered a visitation when I visited him & he asked me to his house the next day. He said he wants to cook dinner for me. I thought he was kidding, but I dropped by his house the next day anyway since we lived so near each other. He really cooked a meal for me. It was just rice with egg, but this simple meal was one of the most memorable.

He is one of the fewer students I would take out for meals ocassionally. Throughout the meals, we sometimes talked very little, but that was enough. He would keep smiling throughout, & that made me happy too.

He's a Teochew & I'm a Hokkien. He can understand my conversation mostly, but I got more difficulty understanding what he said. But it doesn't matter to either of us. He will keep repeating himself until I understand & he never lost patience repeating himself. At the end of the day, we always managed to understand each other, somehow.

There was one visitation when I threw away all the rice in his rice bin as they were starting to get mouldy. He felt so heartpain & so upset that he refused to talk to me for weeks after. I didn't know whether to get upset with him or find him amusing. But we got over it anyway.

Then, I started to nag at him for a period of time. I would tell him the same old things every week, "don't go Hougang Mall to beg", "don't bring such a heavy bag", "don't carry so much money out", "you must come on time next week", "don't drink so much sweet stuffs", "don't anyhow buy things"... & amazingly, he never find me a nag, or maybe he did, but he didn't voice out. Despite all the weekly naggings, he would still listen with full attention & nod his head to me. Never once had he threw tantrum because he had heard enough. He was always this patient towards me.

He would doze off in bus on the journey to church & from church, & I had to wake him every week when we are nearing the destination. I would never get to nudge him to wake up again. Sometimes, when I sat beside him, he would doze off on my shoulder, & I never minded. When he woke up & realised he was sleeping on my shoulder, he would smile cheekily to himself & then lie back again on my shoulder.

When another of our student, William, is having a bad day & is misbehaving himself, Ah Jui will discipline & scold him, especially when he sees William spitting or shouting at me. He is a big protective brother.

The last one year as I had to take care of Charis, I took a break from serving in the bus & visitations. I didn't spent as much time as I should with him. The last time I saw him was last Christmas big day. He was limping badly, yet he made the effort to come church faithfully. That was the last I saw of him.

I wish I was there when he was in the ICU. When he was in pain. When he needed me. When I could have prayed for him right there & then in the room. When I just wanted him to know that I will be there for him even as he fight on. When I could have a chance to tell him that I love him. When those last moments were so precious to him. But I wasn't there.

I wish I don't have to take a ministry break. Perhaps I might have been there for him. I could have spent more time with him in his final year. It is so hard being a mother & serving in a ministry. I wish I don't have to choose. I wish I could have the best of both worlds.

How would I feel if one day, Ah Jui left me? There will always be a missing piece in my heart & N11. Every week, JAMs goes on, but somehow it's no longer the same without him.

Ah Jui, I will miss seeing you carrying your big fat bag up the bus. I will miss Liyen telling me, "he's very fat leh" as you go up the bus. I will miss you greeting Kok Seng by tapping him on the shoulder as you make your way up the bus to your usual seat. The last right seat that had always been reserved for you. Just like how you will always have a place in N11 & in my heart.

Sad Birthday

I was looking forward to my birthday the last few days. Birthdays to me bring new hopes & joy like a new year signifies.

But 3 hours before the clock strike 12 to my birthday, I received an extremely bad & grave news. What a way to spend my birthday losing sleep & feeling stressed.

I guessed this birthday is especially sad too because James is not around in Singapore & probably uncontactable from this morning onwards as he'll be offshore & there's no network coverage in the middle of the ocean. Him not being around means one less soulmate to pour out my burdens to.

I only have 1 birthday wish: That God will turn around things for my beloved friend & grant them favor & protection.