To the little hands that I'd never got to hold...

This one whole yr, I had meant to update this blog with sweet memories of Enya's birth & growing process, but had been too busy or rather... lazy too... Yet, there is this particular entry that happened just 2-3 weeks ago & I felt I needed to note down this bitter memory of mine in memory of another deserving child...

In mid Oct, I realised I was pregnant again with a 3rd child. I cried when it was confirmed... not out of joy, but rather, of stress & anxiety... How can I cope with a 3rd child both physically & financially when Charis & Enya are still so young?! The 1st week of pregnancy, I was practically crying everyday due to the stress. I was not prepared at all for this 3rd child...

During this period of time, a friend had just given birth at 7th mth of pregnancy. The baby was not doing well & was in neonatal care. She posted a pic on facebook of her bb wrapping her daddy's big index finger with her small little hands. It was heart wrenching & I cried when I saw the photo. A revelation hit me! If I can cry upon seeing other baby fighting for their own lives, why should I not treasure my own little one's life? I made up my mind then to love my little unborn one.

The 2nd & 3rd week, I was basked in joy & went around shopping for clothes & toys for this coming baby! I bought 5 pieces of rompers & 3 toys for him/her & that's a lot, considering I only bought 2 sets of clothes & no toys at all for Enya! For some weird & unexplainable reasons, I felt especially excited about this pregnancy.

On 6th Dec, just 4 days after my birthday, James & me went to my gynae's routine checkup. Baby's heartbeat could no longer be detected, & judging from the fetus' size, he/she had already been lost more than a week ago... I could not believe it... there was no signs nor symptoms at all... The last 2 pregnancies were successful, so a miscarriage was out of my mind. I broke down in my gynae's room & cried all the way to the car & back home. By this time, baby should be 8 weeks old. We told our gynae we wanted to wait another 2 weeks before we do the "procedure" - to "clean up inside my womb", or rather, to put it blantly, "to remove him/her from my womb". We were hoping for a miracle, even if it is the thinnest hope.

But the night after my gynae's visit, I started to bleed more. The next morning, I called my gynae to tell him of the bleeding. He told me to go down straight to the hospital to do the procedure asap due to my bleeding. My good friend, Gavin & Vanessa, drove me down to the Mt Alvernia while I cried throughout the whole car journey. Am thankful for them cuz I wasn't in the right state of mind to drive at all. James rushed down from his office, followed by Pst Lily at the hospital.

I cried all the way into the operating theatre. It was the most terrible feeling, knowing the surgery is to remove someone you love so much inside of you & then, he/she is gone forever when you wake up.... I requested for a final scan just to be sure before I was put to sleep... same result... the last thing I remembered was the nurse wiping away my tears & my gynae telling me not to cry anymore...

The next few weeks, I was grieving inside & I was afraid of being alone at home. Kept myself very busy so I wouldn't have time to stop & think. Every time I see a mummy carrying a baby, I would tear. 2 weeks later, I attended an AIA training and the trainer, Edwin, shared a real life story that releases my grief.

Edwin would send his boy to childcare every morning & would bump into this pregnant mummy who is sending her boy to the same childcare ocassionally. One day, he bumped into her husband instead, so he just asked her husband out of courtesy about his wife. The husband then told him that his wife met with a car accident when she was 7th month pregnant. She was in a cab when a car crashed from the back. His wife broke her neck. The doctors, took out the baby, & though was pre-term, was born healthy. The wife, however, became fully paralysed. His husband made a comment, "She never got to hold her child's hands".

I cried in the train home after the training. I just couldn't stop the tears from flowing. I was glad it wasn't peak hours & people around me were being very polite to look away from me. I also never got to hold my unborn's child hands... but I was thankful, because I have the chance to hold Charis' & Enya's hands. I am still blessed. God continues to speak to me through various people - people who didn't know what had happened yet gave me words of knowledge & wisdom. Once again, He showed His love & grace to me.

To my lil' one...
I am sorry I never gotten to hold your little hands,
But I am glad Someone is holding yours now.
I trust in the hands that's holding yours now,
And that He will hold on to you tightly.
One day, I am gonna hold your little hands,
So is Daddy & your lovely sisters.
I love you.

Everything happened so fast it seemed like a dream. Yet, my child will never be forgotten.

In Remembrance of Ng Yok Jui (31/10/62 - 12/01/11)

He had left first to a better place last Wednesday but I only knew about it tonight.

All these years, James had been asking me how would I feel if one day, Ah Jui left me. After all, his health had been deteriorating for the past 3 years rapidly & he was already aging. I never once replied him, & I refused to think about it. Tonight I had to face the reality.

I was in an appointment with a client when I first receive the news. I had to brush everything aside first. After the appointment, I called Ah Jui's cousin to find out what had happened. He was admitted to hospital due to breathlessness. His kidneys had failed, & his lungs were collapsing. He couldn't fight on. Throughout, he was conscious & aware of what's happening. I called Adiel to inform her.

It was only during the way home that the news really sank into me. That's it. I won't see him anymore. I REALLY won't see him anymore...

Ah Jui had been one of my dearest students in JAMs. He never calls me "teacher Gina", but would call me "ah che", which means "sister" in teochew. He had been more than just a student to me.

His love language is receiving gifts, hence he loves giving them too, & he's very generous with this gift. For the past 5 years, he would give me chinese new year card that contains 4 numbers (for me to buy 4D) every year without fail. This year, I would receive none.

He would also often buy gifts for me & his friends, interesting gifts like biscuits, tshirt, tissue paper box wrapped nicely with gift wrapper. When I just got married, some of the students wanted to have copies of my wedding pictures, so I gave to some of them. 2 weeks later, I received a present wrapped nicely from him. It was my wedding photo framed up in a nice photo frame. I was so touched.

I remembered a visitation when I visited him & he asked me to his house the next day. He said he wants to cook dinner for me. I thought he was kidding, but I dropped by his house the next day anyway since we lived so near each other. He really cooked a meal for me. It was just rice with egg, but this simple meal was one of the most memorable.

He is one of the fewer students I would take out for meals ocassionally. Throughout the meals, we sometimes talked very little, but that was enough. He would keep smiling throughout, & that made me happy too.

He's a Teochew & I'm a Hokkien. He can understand my conversation mostly, but I got more difficulty understanding what he said. But it doesn't matter to either of us. He will keep repeating himself until I understand & he never lost patience repeating himself. At the end of the day, we always managed to understand each other, somehow.

There was one visitation when I threw away all the rice in his rice bin as they were starting to get mouldy. He felt so heartpain & so upset that he refused to talk to me for weeks after. I didn't know whether to get upset with him or find him amusing. But we got over it anyway.

Then, I started to nag at him for a period of time. I would tell him the same old things every week, "don't go Hougang Mall to beg", "don't bring such a heavy bag", "don't carry so much money out", "you must come on time next week", "don't drink so much sweet stuffs", "don't anyhow buy things"... & amazingly, he never find me a nag, or maybe he did, but he didn't voice out. Despite all the weekly naggings, he would still listen with full attention & nod his head to me. Never once had he threw tantrum because he had heard enough. He was always this patient towards me.

He would doze off in bus on the journey to church & from church, & I had to wake him every week when we are nearing the destination. I would never get to nudge him to wake up again. Sometimes, when I sat beside him, he would doze off on my shoulder, & I never minded. When he woke up & realised he was sleeping on my shoulder, he would smile cheekily to himself & then lie back again on my shoulder.

When another of our student, William, is having a bad day & is misbehaving himself, Ah Jui will discipline & scold him, especially when he sees William spitting or shouting at me. He is a big protective brother.

The last one year as I had to take care of Charis, I took a break from serving in the bus & visitations. I didn't spent as much time as I should with him. The last time I saw him was last Christmas big day. He was limping badly, yet he made the effort to come church faithfully. That was the last I saw of him.

I wish I was there when he was in the ICU. When he was in pain. When he needed me. When I could have prayed for him right there & then in the room. When I just wanted him to know that I will be there for him even as he fight on. When I could have a chance to tell him that I love him. When those last moments were so precious to him. But I wasn't there.

I wish I don't have to take a ministry break. Perhaps I might have been there for him. I could have spent more time with him in his final year. It is so hard being a mother & serving in a ministry. I wish I don't have to choose. I wish I could have the best of both worlds.

How would I feel if one day, Ah Jui left me? There will always be a missing piece in my heart & N11. Every week, JAMs goes on, but somehow it's no longer the same without him.

Ah Jui, I will miss seeing you carrying your big fat bag up the bus. I will miss Liyen telling me, "he's very fat leh" as you go up the bus. I will miss you greeting Kok Seng by tapping him on the shoulder as you make your way up the bus to your usual seat. The last right seat that had always been reserved for you. Just like how you will always have a place in N11 & in my heart.