Self vs Friendship

Today, I was faced in a situation where I had to choose between self versus friendship. I chose... the latter.

My friends were being accused today. I can choose to remain silent & be spared from being entrapped into a whirlpool of politics. But if I had chosen the former, what difference am I from the one who accuses my friends? I chose to stand up for my friends.

Some people said I’m courageous, some may think I’m stupid. Yes, there are times in my life when loyalty does not pay. But it feels good to be doing the right thing, to have a good conscience.

When we first got attached, I once asked James what was the factor in me that attracts him. His reply was, “loyalty”. I haven’t change & I don’t wish to change. The only difference is that I have learnt to be loyal to the right people.

No man’s an island.

No one can say that they don’t need friends. Because the day they realize they do, it is often too late.

Till Death Do Us Part

James is overseas again for his work, & as I think about him, I can't help counting...

We'd known each other for 8 years.
Our courtship didn't develop till 4 years later on 6 Feb 06.
We are married for 2.5 years on 23 Jun 07.

We started off as acquaintances. In the 1st year that we knew each other, we seldom talked & we are always with a big group of friends. I was quite attracted by him initially, because I thought he was physically attractive - he got a good body! ;) He also gave me the impression as a very nice & caring teacher in JAMs. However, our relationship didn't develop further beyond acquaintance, thus the attraction dies off. Soon, his friend came into my life & for the next few years, we remained as friends. At the same time, he also has someone else in mind. Over the next few years, we started hanging out together more, & gradually, he became one of my close friends too.

After my previous relationship didn't work out, we stopped hanging out together too. Both of us got very busy with our own lives. One year later, we started hanging out together again. This time, chemistry had developed unknowningly. When I first got to know him, I was a little girl still studying in NUS in his eyes. It was an impossible relationship to him. However, as we started hanging out again after so many years, I have already "grown up" & we enjoyed each other's company.

Yet, both of us had many hesistations in starting a relationship as we have so different personalities. It was our cell group leader, Lily, who encouraged us a lot & thus, we decided to give it a try. The beginning of the courtship was tough. We had many conflicts over our different personalities & perspectives. We had wanted to thrown in the towel. One night after another quarrel, he waited the whole night at my void deck just to apologise. I went down to see him only in the morning & I was really touched that he waited the whole night. That's how we decided to keep the relationship & work things out.

Our 1st date

Our 1st trip overseas - Genting

As the years goes by, both of us started to change unknowingly by each other's influence to be better people. I am now less judgemental & show more kindness to people. He has also become more decisive. Yet, we still remain different in many ways & I'm glad because our differences are now able to complement each other.

I'm the one who read the map; he's the one who ask for directions when my map reading fails. I'm the one who enjoy dresses Charis up & is always buying accessories & pretty clothes for her; he's the one who loves to shop around for toys for Charis & he even know which shopping department sells more varieties of toys. I take care of Charis' daily needs; he plays with her. In our spiritual lives, God speaks to me more often by His still soft voice; God speaks to him by His Word.

His SOT graduation in 2006

The planning for our marriage was a very memorable period in my life. It was also building fund period & James was in bible school then. We were financially broke, yet we trusted in God with faith that as we build His house, He will build us our house. I remembered tearing as we gave to the building fund. We have to time our bills so carefully with our little income, & to trust that He will not shortchange us for our wedding. It was a faith testing period for us, but God came true for us! Now, we have been blessed in our careers & are enjoying a comfortable standard of living. Yet, it is those faith testing times that I remember the most.

Our 1st honeymoon to USA

Our 1st Wedding Anniversary at Bintan Banyan Tree

Our first year of marriage was honeymoon period. We would often make time for dates & even went for a few honeymoon trips in a year! After about 1.5 years, we started to get so comfortable in our relationship that we somehow grew complacent. Our career & ministry also kept us busy. He's the one in this relationship that makes a lot of effort. He's always planning to bring me out to here & there :)

Our Diving Trip at Phuket

Our 5th overseas holiday to China

Today, our relationship is no longer the "sparks in the air" kind, but it is now more stable & mature. Of course I miss those sparks, because they keep the relationship exciting, but I also enjoy the gradual progress of our relationship maturing. We are now truly "2 flesh become 1".

An Awesome Weekend!

Last Friday was my first cell group meeting after my labor. I was physically tired from taking care of Charis, working, & going to the hospital to visit my brother. So during the preaching, I had to try very hard to keep awake. I saw James yawning a few times too! ;) But I was really glad I'd made it for cell group meeting. I didn't realise how much I missed the presence of God until we worship Him after the preaching. It dawned on to me that the presence of God is my home - that's where I belong, that's where I grown up in. God spoke to both James & me. When I'm soak in the presence of God, just hearing His voice & Him reassuring me of His love is good enough. I don't even need Him to give solutions for my situation anymore.

The next day was just as awesome. I finally got to meet my JAMs students again! =) I didn't tell my N11 students beforehand that I was going to turn up because I was hoping to give them a surprise, so I was a little disappointed when some of them didn't come on that day. Some of them asked me about Charis, and it made me very happy :) I was happy not because they asked me about someone who is precious to me, but I was happy because it shows that they have learn to be interested in others & to care for them too. It brings joy to me to see that my "children" have "grown up".

On the same afternoon, I attended church service. Pastor Zhuang said, "Don't stay in your valley, but walk through it. Keep walking." I like that! I'm not going to stay, I am going to walk! As what he said, "we are planted, not buried". Whatever buried is dead, but whatever that is planted will birth forth in due season. I am going to bring life into my situation at God's timing!

Yesterday, I went out with some of my close girlfriends. One of them is going through a difficult time too & she is fasting for 40 days. That's a person who don't sit around and moan, but is actively depending on God. Sometimes she may become emotional again, after all, she is human right? But I know she will come out of it stronger.

I was really happy to be able to hang out with my girlfriends again. I am determined that I'm still going to have a life even though I have Charis now. I just have to make more effort. Motherhood doesn't mean your life just evolve around your children. James and me are already planning for our next honeymoon :) & I am also making sure I get back into shape by losing those "pregnancy fats".

I Re-Found My Purpose In My Job

How would you feel if you wake up one day to find that you have lost the feel & use of your left arm entirely?

How would you feel if your head is aching severely everyday & painkillers no longer works?

How would you feel if you wake up in a hospital bed & not knowing how long more do you need to stay there?

How would you feel if the doctor tell you that he found something in your brain & he need to do a brain surgery on you to take some specimen out for further laboratory testing before determining the next course of treatment?

How would you feel if you are just 41 years old & has been very healthy & suddenly, you have to go through all these?

That's what happened to my brother... Life is so unpredictable...

I'm glad I got him to buy an insurance plan just last year. Although his plan does not have a very high coverage due to his budget constraint (he doesn't earn a lot of income), yet it does provide some relief to him & my family. One of the first questions he asked besides his condition is about his insurance. Now I can finally comprehend how my clients & their family had & could felt in times like this.

I'm so glad that I'm an insurance agent & I have helped many families. It has inspires me to out there in the highways to reach out to more clients to protect them. Whoever says all insurance agents ever want is their money? Yes, undeniably, I want their money because it is my bread & butter. But I want their money too so that they can have the money needed when they need it the most.

After 5 years in AIA, I have lost my directions many times, especially these 2 years. I'm tired of being in a rat race of chasing after awards & incentives year after year. My colleague once made a remark, "Is my life all about targets?" I'm not someone who pursue after materialistic living, so money is no longer an incentive to me for my job. This year, I didn't even bother to appear for the photo shoot or turn up for the awards presentation.Yet, when I was doing the claim for my brother, it reminded me of the very reason why I had chosen this career. Sometimes, pursuing after awards & incentives are not necessarily bad, especially for my job. It just means I have helped even more people that year. I need to change my complacent attitude.

Year 2006 - Shining Star Award

Year 2007 - Million Dollar Club Award

Year 2008 - Shining Star Award (this year's photo shoot is missing as I didn't turn up for the awards presentation)

Year 2008 - Qualify for Convention to an all-paid expenses trip to Osaka

Have I worked enough recently? Could I have done more for more people?

Valleys

There's a lot of unhappy events in my life recently.

James' grandmother passed away last monday. She died in her sleep after difficulty breathing.

Charis is having colic, so when she's uncomfortable, she'll kept crying & will require my full attention. She's also especially sticky to me when she's uncomfortable. She'll need me to be by her side or carry her throughout the whole day. Yes, I really mean the whole day. If I do put her down, she'll start wailing for quite some time.

My brother is hospitalised again, the second time in 1 week. His left arm is totally numb now, & he can no longer move it. He kept having severe headache as well. The doctor could not diagnose the cause yet. I am so worried about him because his condition is deteriortating very fast. Yet because the doctor could not find the cause, they can only give him panadol to ease the pain. With his current condition, he'll have to quit his job & rest for an indefinite period of time.

I had wanted to work part-time in my current job so that I can spend more time with Charis. Everyday, I see her looks changing. She's growing very fast, & has already shed off the newborn looks. She's learning new tricks & behaviors everyday too. I don't want to miss this special moment of watching her grow up.

Yet, with my brother's condition, I know I cannot aff0rd to work part-time anymore. I'll have to help support my brother's loss income. Now that I'll be working full-time again, I'll need my sister to take care of Charis when I'm working. Charis may even stay overnight at my sister's house when James is overseas or when I have morning appointment the next day too. My sister is a babysitter, & in order to take care of Charis, she'll have to forgo a current job offer. To compensate her, I'll be giving her $700-800/month for taking care of Charis. With Charis' expenses, the pay for my sister & also to support my brother, the financial stress is undeniably there. Building fund is also starting soon.

Life isn't always a bed of roses, so sometimes, things don't out the way we want them to be. The last time I met a crisis was in year 2005. I was in bible school then, & being in the presence of God daily helped me greatly. This time, I find it so hard to soak in God's presence. With Charis' colic, I'm so busy I hardly have time to eat or drink, let alone to pray. Sometimes, in order to pray, I even have to carry her while praying. I have also become so phsyically drained. I used to need to lie on the bed for at least half an hour before I can fall into deep sleep, now I can do so once my head hit the bed. I am also emotionally drained. I don't remember crying so much for years. 2 nights ago, I was on the verge of breaking down, & I called James even while he's in Saudi. I am surprised at this emotional side of me. Have the burden become too heavy?

Yet, just as God has pulled me through in year 2005, I know He can do it for me again. At the end of the tunnel is always the light. The sun always shines again after the dark. There's seasons in life, & seasons passes. The valley is another journey necessary in life that I need to walk through, so that I can reach the mountain top again. Most importantly, I know my God & I know who He is.

Well Done, Nurses!

My brother was re-admitted to A&E yesterday, so I'm here at the hospital now to accompany him. I observed some interesting events while here. There are 3 elderly patients in his ward. Let's name them E1, E2, & E3.

E1 is very old, probably around 80 years old. He kept grumbling to himself about his discomfort & scolded his maid non-stop.
E1: I'm feeling terrible. Bring me to the hospital. There got nurses to take care of me.
2 social workers came up to test if he's senile. He could answer their questions well. He is clearly not senile or unconscious, yet he doesn't know that he's already in hospital?!

E2, for no apparent reason, went to sit at the empty chair besides E3. I was amazed when E3 was so upset & disturbed by it. He even complained to the nurse when she's on her round to dispense the medicine.

Nurse: It's just a chair, you don't have to be so bothered by it.

E3: I want E2 to apologise.

Nurse: There's no need for an apology. It's just a chair, & it's meant to be shared in the room.

E3: I want E2 to apologise.

Nurse: If you are unhappy, I can change the chair for you.

E3 continues to throw a tantrum.

Nurse: You let me finish dispensing the medicine to the rest of the patients first. Then I'll come back to you.

E3 refused to let the nurse go. She has no choice but to sit down with him & tried to pacify him.

Nurse: Have you walked today?

(I thought it was wierd she asked this question).

E3: Yes, to the toilet.

Nurse: That's not really walking. You rest first. Half an hour later, I'll come back. I'll bring you for a walk.

(I wonder why she want to bring him for a walk suddenly)...

E3 continues to rattles on...

Nurse: You have been lying down too long, that's why you think too much. I'll bring you for a walk so you won't think so much.

(Now I understand).

The nurse didn't turn up for the walk but a psychologist did...

E2 is discharged today, & he refused to take his bag of medicine home. Another nurse came to talk to him.

E2: I don't want to bring the medicine home. You give it to the hospital.

Nurse: You'd paid $35 for the medicine. You'll bring it home.

E2: I don't want. I have a lot of them at home already. You give it to the hospital.

Nurse: The hospital has a lot of them too. Since you have already paid for them, you bring it home.

E2: I don't want. They're so heavy.

Looking at the small plastic bag, I wonder how heavy can it fetch?

Have the patients become so bored that they have become grumpy? Or is it because of their age that they have a fixed mindset & ideas about how they see life & things?

The way the nurses handled these situations have reflected their patience & care for their patients. Cheers to them!

Regrets

I'm not someone who have much regrets in life as I prefer to look forward in life, but recently I do have some regrets. James' grandmother passed away last Monday, & there were some regrets.

1. I regret that I didn't visited her enough while she was around.
I didn't visit her this year as I was often sick during my pregnancy. The fondest memory I have of her is when I visited her at her house 2 years ago & she chatted so much with me. Even though I couldn't understand her dialect language very well, we both enjoyed each other's presence.

2. I regret that I never brought Charis to visit her.
She's staying at an old folk's home as she's bedridden & there's no one to take care of her at her house. As Charis is just a newborn, we try to avoid bringing her to the home as newborn tend to be more susceptible to viruses & bacteria. Hence, she has never seen her great grand-daughter before, & Charis has never & will never met her great grand-mother. How many people has the good fortune in life to have a great grand-daughter, yet sadly, they have never met.

My brother was admitted to A&E recently for stroke-like symptoms. He dotes on me a lot. I still remember those days when he would fetch me home from school on his bicycle when I was younger. I do not want to have any regrets towards him, & I'm working towards it.

If someone that you know is no longer around tomorrow, will you have any regrets? Today is a gift that God has given, so treasure it. Time is never on our side, but we can choose to live out the best of it.

Post Natal Blues

I was actually suffering from post-natal depression a few weeks ago. My life has changed dramatically, & even though I'd been preparing myself for it, mental preparation & reality seems so different. I would cry every night to sleep, & I would wake up in the middle of the night to cry again. My appetite went down. I was not eating & sleeping well. Being physically drained, it affected my emotions even more.

First of all, I was not able to accept Charis. Yes, it sounds weird, but I just cannot register that she is really my daughter. For some strange reason, I just don't feel bonded to her. It made me felt lousy as a mummy.

Secondly, I was having so many problems with feeding Charis. At first, the stress was that she wouldn't latch on for breastfeeding & I have so little breast milk for her too. When finally, she is willing & able to latch on, my nipples became so sore at her suckling that it was so painful I can't even get to sleep at night. Also, breastfeeding keeps you busy every 2 hours, so there was hardly enough rest for me.

Thirdly, there was those typical issues with mother-in-law. The different methods of taking care of babies, the imposing of personal space, over-anxious over Charis & the endless nags... etc. I was so affected that I would lock myself in my room whenever she's here to avoid her. Cropping myself up in the room made me felt like a prisoner. As if confinement in the house wasn't bad enough, now I'm feeling confined in my own room as well.

Fourthly & interestingly, I actually felt jealous when James pay so much more attention to Charis, his parents , & even the house chores! I needed his support then, but somehow he always seems so busy with other things except spending time with me. I was so mad at him! Yet he was doing so much as a daddy that it made me feel even more guilty for feeling jealous even over our precious daughter. Now thinking back, I can laugh at myself for being so silly! Haha!

Lastly, some of the confinement practices were driving me crazy. Not bathing everyday increases my body temperature. When I feel hot, i get more frustrated. When I don't smell nice, I don't feel nice! Also, coping myself at home & not being able to go out made me feels like a prisoner.

In case you are thinking that they were all petty issues, yes, I now agree that you are right! I guessed it was my hormones readjusting after birth that's causing all those blues & making me touchy & sensitive. During that period of time, I refused to share with James because I know it would sounds so silly to him. So keeping everything to myself worsen it.

2 weeks ago, I broke down & finally told James everything. Sharing creates wonders. I came out of depression overnight!

Lessons I have learnt the hard way & tips for new mums-to-be:1. Spend time with your baby by carrying them, massaging them, & touching them even when they are sleeping most of the time. Touch creates bonding. But don't expect the bond to happen overnight. Babies are like adults - you need to take time to create mutual bonding & trust.

2. Don't give yourself too much pressure over breastfeeding. Ask your hubby to help you latch on the baby. His presence is a form of support. Take a day break from breastfeeding if necessary when you find that you cannot cope with breastfeeding issues. Rest well to recuperate. Insufficient rest & stress can cause significant decrease in milk flow.

3. Talk to your hubby over any in-laws issues. Don't bottled them up because it will not just affect your future relationship with your in-laws, but also your marriage. Bear in mind that your in-laws love your baby & they did everything out of that love & good intention even though you may not agree with them.

4. Don't be afraid or embarrassed to tell your hubby if you need his attention. Nothing sounds silly to him & he will be more than happy to spend time with you. After our talk, we went out on a few occasions to spend private time together. This was the very hand that held mine as we walk down the aisle together on our wedding day, & the same hand will still hold mine till death do us part.

5. Break the confinement practice if need be. Besides being physically healthy, staying emotionally healthy is as important because you got a long way ahead of you. Being emotionally unhealthy is dangerous because you are carrying a time bomb inside you which may break down your marriage & life. I went out for some fresh air even if it is just to the neighborhood mall. You need to be away from your baby & the pressure at home at times. Do wear long sleeve & pants to minimise exposure to wind. I bathe frequently towards the middle of the confinement too. It made me feels fresher. A warm bath can calm & relax you. Do bathe with herbal water to prevent rheumatism.

A happy mummy = a happy baby & hubby = a happy family

Yes, I cried...

Charis had been crying every night since Monday for at least 3 hours nightly, & she doesn't just cry, she wails. We don't know what else to do except to keep carrying her to comfort her, but she just couldn't stop wailing her lungs out. I felt so heart pain for her when I see her in so much distress, but I also couldn't help myself from feeling frustrated at her. I thought she was being difficult & was throwing tantrums.

On Tuesday night, her stools were liquid & green in colour! We got such a terrible shock. Meanwhile, her wailing gotten worse. She also began to demand a lot of attention & need me to constantly carry her, sometimes for hours. Once I put her down on her cot, she would began another screaming round. By Wednesday afternoon, I was so exhausted that my patience ran out. As she began her rounds of crying, I also started to cry. The moment I cried, she immediately grew very silent & looked at me intently while in my arms. I think somehow she could sense that I was sad & unhappy.

On Thursday, her stools were liquid again. This time, it was more green than ever. I immediately brought her to her doctor & realised she had colic. Now I began to understand that she was not trying to be difficult or throwing tantrum, but she was behaving like that because she was feeling so uncomfortable.

I cancelled all my remaining appointments for the rest of the week since Wednesday so that I can look after her personally. It is so exhausting taking care of a baby. My whole day is so easily occupied by her. Working life has become so much simpler. Although I yearn for a break & is tempted to leave her at my sister's house, yet I can't put my ease especially when she is sick. But I really need a break soon... probably next week once she's feeling better.