JAMs 1st Fun Fair

JAMs has been organising a fun fair for our students over this weekend, & I must admit I was surprised at its scale of the fun fair. We even have a traditional ice-cream vendor that provides free flow ice-cream for all the students. The students even have popcorns, sandwiches, hotdogs, pastries, tibits, etc at the snack corner.

Interesting & innocent thoughts of my nephew

My nephew, Zander, is only 3 years old, & he's a real smart boy. My family has been "preparing" him for my unborn child, so they have been trying to educate him that I have a baby in my stomach & he gotta be gentle around me. So every time he sees me, he would point to my stomach & ask me the same question, "where is the baby?" & I would reply him that the baby is inside my stomach.

Yesterday, he came to my house & was lying on my bed. Now there is my cushion lying hidden under my blanket. He then stroked the protruding bump of the hidden cushion very gently & then excitedly turn to me & innocently exclaimed, "the baby is here?!" He must have been thinking that I must be hiding the baby everyday under my blanket, & that explains why he can't see my baby... I pointed to my stomach & asked him, "then what is inside my stomach?" He answered "baby", & then kept quiet with a confused look. Seconds later, he advanced further to ask, "why the baby don't want to come out of your stomach?" I was speechless...

Moody...

My overall emotions since my pregnancy has been more downs than ups... with all the hormones changing, I would feel depressed easily. James said I handled them pretty well already. Hmm... considering the fact that I didn't have any emotional outbursts yet? But of course he has no idea that I would wake up at times in the night & cry. Sometimes I'll wake up with a headache or dizzy spell (remember my low blood count?) in the morning, & it kinda ruined my mood for the morning too.

The last few days were the worst cause I'll cry easily. Sometimes I can't even control my tears. Last Sun, I even teared in the MRT after a tiff with James. I felt so embarrassed, but I couldn't stop the tears from flowing. I hate being so emotional, it's just so unlike me. Also, it's not good for baby too. I don't want her to feel my unhappy mood. I want her to be a smiley person. Last Sun, I saw a very cheerful little girl in the foodcourt. James said she's adorable because she's always smiling, & she smiles at the simplest thing. I want baby to be like that too :) I must really try to spend more time with God, I know it'll help.

Btw, I think we have settled on her Chinese name -- Huang En Hui (meaning grace). We chose it during the 2nd month of my pregnancy because we believe that God's grace has filled both our lives & even hers', so that's how we can agree on the name easily. She won't be having any dialect name. As for her Christian name... we still can't agree on it. We won't be naming her Grace because I thought that name sounds a little "old-fashioned". No offense to those named Grace though... just a personal preference :-p I personally love the name Natasha, but James don't like it. He threw in other names, but I don't like them... so headache...

Yesterday evening, we were celebrating Kumar's birthday at Adiel's house. Most of them played "Heart Attack". I couldn't play it of course in my pregnancy state, but I really envied them having so much fun. James seemed to have enjoyed himself alot. I can only participate in safe but boring activity like watching movie on Starhub Cablevision with Terence & Peter on the couch.

My daily dosage of love

I cooked pasta for the 1st time, & think it was a very successful attempt :)

These are my daily intake of medicines for myself & baby. I call them my daily dosage of love. Initially I was quite unhappy about taking so many medicines. In my first trimester, I always feel like throwing up every time I swallowed them, there were just so many of them... I feel so sick of them... But then, I came to realise that they are essential and good for the baby, hence, now I discipline myself to eat them & now, I no longer feel unhappy about taking them anymore :)

This is my new addition of medicine - aspirin, as I have introduced in my previous post. I think it looks very cute! Inside each small capsule, there are many tiny white bits that resembles snow flakes (don't really know how to describe them... but they really looks beautiful!). The back of the each pack of tablets even had days indications so that I won't miss taking any of them. So thoughtful of the pharmacy producing them :)

Mummy & Baby not doing well :'(

Our gynae went through the 5 months detailed scanning results yesterday night, & we found out there were some complications for the baby...

I'm having low blood count, so that explains why I'm having giddy spells & headaches so often. But I guessed my condition have improved since the previous blood test as the frequency is less often already. I have have a risk of high blood pressure :'(

But baby's condition is not so positive. The blood vessels from the placenta that flows to the baby is far too thin, hence resulting in resistance in the blood flow flowing to the baby. The blood vessels don't just carries blood, but also oxygen & nutrients. Hence, the baby now has a lack of all these essentials & this will affect her development. What worries me is that baby may has a shortage of oxygen...

I have to take on a medication - aspirin, usually taken by heart problems & stroke patients. This medication will thin my blood, hence reducing the resistance in the blood flow, so hopefully baby can receive the proper essentials better. But this medicine has 2 side effects. First, it will cause gastric. Second, it will cause bleeding. Eg. my gums may bleed more, i will bleed alot if i get cuts. The most worrying is that I may bleed alot during delivery of my baby. Although I will stop the medication at week 36 so that my body will have time to thicken the blood again for the next 4 weeks, but if I were to have a early miscarriage, then the bleeding problem can't be helped. I'm also not sure if there will be any side effects for the baby. After all, medication is never good for the baby... that's why doctors never advised pregnant woman to take medication if possible...

Every mother would love to have a healthy baby, & my first thoughts was, "Is it my fault? Maybe it's because I haven't been eating well? Was it because I'm so skinny?" My gynae says the baby's condition has nothing to do with me or my diet, but it's her genes actually. My second baby may not even have this problem since every baby has their own genes. Well, it kind of comforted me a little. But I know that people around me will feel the mummy is at fault... someone commented it must be because I didn't eat enough nutritious food... Please... I'm already sad enough, please don't point fingers at me. When such things happen, the saddest is me, so please stop blaming me :'( or nag at me ok?

Baby is so active! Kicking me so often nowadays...

I can start to feel baby kicking in my stomach since the past 2 weeks. In the beginning, it was not very obvious, & it only feels like butterflies fluttering in my stomach. Nowadays, she's getting more active & energetic, so can feel it very obviously already. I was having an appointment with a client just now, & baby was so restless, she was kicking me non-stop. It was so distracting :-( I must "teach" her not to disturb mummy when mummy is working in future... Hee...

Last sat, JAMs took our students to Clarke Quay.

Lisha took a picture of me & William - one of my favourite students in my JAMs bus. She just posted it on Facebook, so sharing with you... :) How he has grown over the years! He has been my student for the past 5 years, & I still remember when I first took over him as my student... I will never forget those days... He is the first student so far who has ever made me cry.

The second is Sato when he bite me in my tights & it was bleeding & so bruised, I hid in the ladies to cry after that. A picture of me feeding Sato. He is many many times bigger than me! He has the size of a sumo wrestler!

William is an hyperactive mentally-challenged kid, & was also a very difficult boy. He would intentionally do irritating things to catch my attention. For a season, he would pee in the bus journey to church every week. Once, he even played with the pool of urine with his hands & while I squat down to clean up the mess, he then grabbed my hair with his urine-filled hands! He even had the cheeks to laugh to me! How memorable that day is. Sometimes he would lie down under the chairs in the bus or he would kick me or pull my hair just to catch my attention. There were occasions when I visit his mom at his house, I would find her crying cause she really don't know what to do with him anymore.

I believe God did a miracle for him. All those weekly preachings in the service must have helped & it is definitely the works of the Holy Spirit. Now he's a changed boy! He's one of the most lovable students in JAMs. Alot of teachers sang praises about him to me, telling me how cute he is. There is no trace of his past behavior anymore. He is still cheeky, but not naughty. When we went Clarke Quay last sat, he was holding on to my hands the whole time. When he did let go of my hands to look at things that interests him, he would soon turn back to find me again. In the past, he would just run off on his own. After so many years, he has also grown so close to me, to my heart :-) He is a special child, yes, a special child forever in my eyes.

What testimony am I going to leave behind?

It's been almost 4 months since my last entry. I always got a lot of things to write, but had never gotten to writing them down. Since my pregnancy (yes, I'm 5 months pregnant now!), I'm easily tired & lethargic, hence became quite lazy to pen my life down... =p But when I chanced upon Molly Lee's (1975-2008) blog yesterday, it greatly inspires me to blog again, & this time to be more open about my life.

I first heard about Molly when she emerged as the Channel Newsasia's Singapore Woman Award winner last year, 2 months before she passed on. During that time, I only know her as a woman who fought against her ovarian cancer courageously & was also an inspiration to other cancer patients. However, I saw the news reported on her again yesterday though she has passed on almost a year ago. An endowment fund had been launched in memory of her, so I thought she must be more than what I thought she was to leave such a legacy behind. Out of curiosity, I decided to read her blog for the first time. Hers had greatly impacted me, so I strongly encouraged you to read her entries too (http://www.wearewonderwomen.com/).

What inspires me the most about Molly Lee is not just her courage to fight against a deadly sickness, but her simple love & faith in God too. When her cancer relapse again, there were moments when she doubted God (she's just another real human being). The title of one of her entries was "healing is not God's plan for everyone".

Yet, through the months of battling with this terrible sickness, she never gave up her faith in God even when there were moments when she doubted. Her love for God is simple & pure & tested. When her doctors told her that she had no chance of surviving the relapse this time, she continued to trust God instead of her circumstances. Her last entry before she passed on was titled "the will to live by the grace of God". That was the most inspiring entry to me.

Sharing with you an excerpt from the entry,

"... I prayed to God whenever I had pain. My prayers were usually short like, 'God, please heal me.' ... Miraculously, whenever I said those prayers, God will always take away my pain. God sent angels (my sister and mum to take care of my daily needs) and a good TCM physician to treat me. God has also taught me to live each day by itself and learn to trust him in all situations.

My name is Molly. I am a Christian of 12 years. This is my testimony."

I always think that life has been tougher for me than my peers. I had gone through more valleys in my life than others, though I'm thankful that these experiences had made me a better and stronger person. Yet, Molly made me feel ashamed of myself. If I am ever diagnosed with a sickness, will I ever stay so positive? Will I still trust God despites of my fears? Will I still live my last days trusting Him? Her last 2 sentences on her last entry of her life kept me thinking... I am a Christian of 10 years. What testimony will I leave behind?

Hence, I decided to blog again! If one day I am no longer around, I would love people to remember my life through my blog and I pray they may experience the love and reality of God (be it during the good or bad times of my life) while they are reading my entries. I would also love to leave behind something for my hubby & baby to remember me for.