Disastrous March - A Month of Visitations to the Hospitals

It started with Charis developing HFMD. As it was a sunday night when we had first discovered the rashes, we had to send her to KK Hospital since all the clinics were closed. Thankfully, hers was mild & she didn't have much problems with eating & drinking. She was quarantined for 10 days at home, & we had already gotten so bored midway. I was so thankful when her MC was finally over & the PD certified that she is fit for school, which also means I can finally be back to work! So many work to catch up!

Almost immediately after Charis returned to school, she came back with a cough & passed on the virus to Enya. Enya's cough developed into throat iritation, then infection, & she refused fluid due to the pain. We admitted her to Mount Alvernia Hospital. However, instead of getting better, her cough got worse! She would cry (in fact wail) at the sight of the nurses as they would remind her of drip, injections, blood test & medicines. Poor Enya! Her constant crying caused her cough to escalate into Bronchitis & what was a mild cough turned into a 5 days stay at the hospital. It was a tramautic experience for her. She would hug on to me the whole time & asked to be carried constantly.

Her eyes & face were all puffy from the crying! Her hands were bandaged to prevent her from removing the drip.

I even had to sleep besides her by squeezing into the baby cot together with her! Thank God for my petite size...

If you think the worst is over... not quite yet... The following week after Enya was discharged from the hospital, we attended our usual church service. It was Sunday morning. Pastor was preaching halfway when I received a sms from a church friend asking me to pass some stuffs to her because she has to go off soon. So halfway during the service, I made my way (carrying Enya) to meet her outside the auditorium. While going down the staircase, I missed a step & slipped down a few flights of stairs & landed on the floor with Enya sitting on top of me! Thank God I was carrying her with a baby carrier, so I didn't lose grip of her & thank God she actually landed on me & not the other way round! But it was such a bad fall that I sprained my ankle & couldn't get up at all. I was wheeled out of the auditorium on a wheelchair & send to Mount Elizabeth Hospital A&E. The xray showed no broken bones (phew!) & I was expected to be on a cast & walking frame for 2 weeks! However, it must be due to God's healing that I managed to walk almost normally by the 3rd day.

March was a month of visitations to the hospitals & I prayed it will all end here!

To the little hands that I'd never got to hold...

This one whole yr, I had meant to update this blog with sweet memories of Enya's birth & growing process, but had been too busy or rather... lazy too... Yet, there is this particular entry that happened just 2-3 weeks ago & I felt I needed to note down this bitter memory of mine in memory of another deserving child...

In mid Oct, I realised I was pregnant again with a 3rd child. I cried when it was confirmed... not out of joy, but rather, of stress & anxiety... How can I cope with a 3rd child both physically & financially when Charis & Enya are still so young?! The 1st week of pregnancy, I was practically crying everyday due to the stress. I was not prepared at all for this 3rd child...

During this period of time, a friend had just given birth at 7th mth of pregnancy. The baby was not doing well & was in neonatal care. She posted a pic on facebook of her bb wrapping her daddy's big index finger with her small little hands. It was heart wrenching & I cried when I saw the photo. A revelation hit me! If I can cry upon seeing other baby fighting for their own lives, why should I not treasure my own little one's life? I made up my mind then to love my little unborn one.

The 2nd & 3rd week, I was basked in joy & went around shopping for clothes & toys for this coming baby! I bought 5 pieces of rompers & 3 toys for him/her & that's a lot, considering I only bought 2 sets of clothes & no toys at all for Enya! For some weird & unexplainable reasons, I felt especially excited about this pregnancy.

On 6th Dec, just 4 days after my birthday, James & me went to my gynae's routine checkup. Baby's heartbeat could no longer be detected, & judging from the fetus' size, he/she had already been lost more than a week ago... I could not believe it... there was no signs nor symptoms at all... The last 2 pregnancies were successful, so a miscarriage was out of my mind. I broke down in my gynae's room & cried all the way to the car & back home. By this time, baby should be 8 weeks old. We told our gynae we wanted to wait another 2 weeks before we do the "procedure" - to "clean up inside my womb", or rather, to put it blantly, "to remove him/her from my womb". We were hoping for a miracle, even if it is the thinnest hope.

But the night after my gynae's visit, I started to bleed more. The next morning, I called my gynae to tell him of the bleeding. He told me to go down straight to the hospital to do the procedure asap due to my bleeding. My good friend, Gavin & Vanessa, drove me down to the Mt Alvernia while I cried throughout the whole car journey. Am thankful for them cuz I wasn't in the right state of mind to drive at all. James rushed down from his office, followed by Pst Lily at the hospital.

I cried all the way into the operating theatre. It was the most terrible feeling, knowing the surgery is to remove someone you love so much inside of you & then, he/she is gone forever when you wake up.... I requested for a final scan just to be sure before I was put to sleep... same result... the last thing I remembered was the nurse wiping away my tears & my gynae telling me not to cry anymore...

The next few weeks, I was grieving inside & I was afraid of being alone at home. Kept myself very busy so I wouldn't have time to stop & think. Every time I see a mummy carrying a baby, I would tear. 2 weeks later, I attended an AIA training and the trainer, Edwin, shared a real life story that releases my grief.

Edwin would send his boy to childcare every morning & would bump into this pregnant mummy who is sending her boy to the same childcare ocassionally. One day, he bumped into her husband instead, so he just asked her husband out of courtesy about his wife. The husband then told him that his wife met with a car accident when she was 7th month pregnant. She was in a cab when a car crashed from the back. His wife broke her neck. The doctors, took out the baby, & though was pre-term, was born healthy. The wife, however, became fully paralysed. His husband made a comment, "She never got to hold her child's hands".

I cried in the train home after the training. I just couldn't stop the tears from flowing. I was glad it wasn't peak hours & people around me were being very polite to look away from me. I also never got to hold my unborn's child hands... but I was thankful, because I have the chance to hold Charis' & Enya's hands. I am still blessed. God continues to speak to me through various people - people who didn't know what had happened yet gave me words of knowledge & wisdom. Once again, He showed His love & grace to me.

To my lil' one...
I am sorry I never gotten to hold your little hands,
But I am glad Someone is holding yours now.
I trust in the hands that's holding yours now,
And that He will hold on to you tightly.
One day, I am gonna hold your little hands,
So is Daddy & your lovely sisters.
I love you.

Everything happened so fast it seemed like a dream. Yet, my child will never be forgotten.

In Remembrance of Ng Yok Jui (31/10/62 - 12/01/11)

He had left first to a better place last Wednesday but I only knew about it tonight.

All these years, James had been asking me how would I feel if one day, Ah Jui left me. After all, his health had been deteriorating for the past 3 years rapidly & he was already aging. I never once replied him, & I refused to think about it. Tonight I had to face the reality.

I was in an appointment with a client when I first receive the news. I had to brush everything aside first. After the appointment, I called Ah Jui's cousin to find out what had happened. He was admitted to hospital due to breathlessness. His kidneys had failed, & his lungs were collapsing. He couldn't fight on. Throughout, he was conscious & aware of what's happening. I called Adiel to inform her.

It was only during the way home that the news really sank into me. That's it. I won't see him anymore. I REALLY won't see him anymore...

Ah Jui had been one of my dearest students in JAMs. He never calls me "teacher Gina", but would call me "ah che", which means "sister" in teochew. He had been more than just a student to me.

His love language is receiving gifts, hence he loves giving them too, & he's very generous with this gift. For the past 5 years, he would give me chinese new year card that contains 4 numbers (for me to buy 4D) every year without fail. This year, I would receive none.

He would also often buy gifts for me & his friends, interesting gifts like biscuits, tshirt, tissue paper box wrapped nicely with gift wrapper. When I just got married, some of the students wanted to have copies of my wedding pictures, so I gave to some of them. 2 weeks later, I received a present wrapped nicely from him. It was my wedding photo framed up in a nice photo frame. I was so touched.

I remembered a visitation when I visited him & he asked me to his house the next day. He said he wants to cook dinner for me. I thought he was kidding, but I dropped by his house the next day anyway since we lived so near each other. He really cooked a meal for me. It was just rice with egg, but this simple meal was one of the most memorable.

He is one of the fewer students I would take out for meals ocassionally. Throughout the meals, we sometimes talked very little, but that was enough. He would keep smiling throughout, & that made me happy too.

He's a Teochew & I'm a Hokkien. He can understand my conversation mostly, but I got more difficulty understanding what he said. But it doesn't matter to either of us. He will keep repeating himself until I understand & he never lost patience repeating himself. At the end of the day, we always managed to understand each other, somehow.

There was one visitation when I threw away all the rice in his rice bin as they were starting to get mouldy. He felt so heartpain & so upset that he refused to talk to me for weeks after. I didn't know whether to get upset with him or find him amusing. But we got over it anyway.

Then, I started to nag at him for a period of time. I would tell him the same old things every week, "don't go Hougang Mall to beg", "don't bring such a heavy bag", "don't carry so much money out", "you must come on time next week", "don't drink so much sweet stuffs", "don't anyhow buy things"... & amazingly, he never find me a nag, or maybe he did, but he didn't voice out. Despite all the weekly naggings, he would still listen with full attention & nod his head to me. Never once had he threw tantrum because he had heard enough. He was always this patient towards me.

He would doze off in bus on the journey to church & from church, & I had to wake him every week when we are nearing the destination. I would never get to nudge him to wake up again. Sometimes, when I sat beside him, he would doze off on my shoulder, & I never minded. When he woke up & realised he was sleeping on my shoulder, he would smile cheekily to himself & then lie back again on my shoulder.

When another of our student, William, is having a bad day & is misbehaving himself, Ah Jui will discipline & scold him, especially when he sees William spitting or shouting at me. He is a big protective brother.

The last one year as I had to take care of Charis, I took a break from serving in the bus & visitations. I didn't spent as much time as I should with him. The last time I saw him was last Christmas big day. He was limping badly, yet he made the effort to come church faithfully. That was the last I saw of him.

I wish I was there when he was in the ICU. When he was in pain. When he needed me. When I could have prayed for him right there & then in the room. When I just wanted him to know that I will be there for him even as he fight on. When I could have a chance to tell him that I love him. When those last moments were so precious to him. But I wasn't there.

I wish I don't have to take a ministry break. Perhaps I might have been there for him. I could have spent more time with him in his final year. It is so hard being a mother & serving in a ministry. I wish I don't have to choose. I wish I could have the best of both worlds.

How would I feel if one day, Ah Jui left me? There will always be a missing piece in my heart & N11. Every week, JAMs goes on, but somehow it's no longer the same without him.

Ah Jui, I will miss seeing you carrying your big fat bag up the bus. I will miss Liyen telling me, "he's very fat leh" as you go up the bus. I will miss you greeting Kok Seng by tapping him on the shoulder as you make your way up the bus to your usual seat. The last right seat that had always been reserved for you. Just like how you will always have a place in N11 & in my heart.

Sad Birthday

I was looking forward to my birthday the last few days. Birthdays to me bring new hopes & joy like a new year signifies.

But 3 hours before the clock strike 12 to my birthday, I received an extremely bad & grave news. What a way to spend my birthday losing sleep & feeling stressed.

I guessed this birthday is especially sad too because James is not around in Singapore & probably uncontactable from this morning onwards as he'll be offshore & there's no network coverage in the middle of the ocean. Him not being around means one less soulmate to pour out my burdens to.

I only have 1 birthday wish: That God will turn around things for my beloved friend & grant them favor & protection.

The Most Touching Wedding

- pics & story credited to a true story -

January 15, 2005.

21-year-old Katie Kirkpatrick — the girl “with a contagious smile and unrelenting optimism” who had been battling cancer for three years and even took part in champion cyclist Lance Armstrong’s Ride for the Roses cancer fundraiser — married 23 year-old Lapeer County sheriff’s deputy Nick Goodwin, her high school sweetheart and the love of her life, at Church of Christ in Hazel Park, Michigan.

This picture was taken prior to their wedding January 11th, 2005.
Katie has terminal cancer and spends hours in chemotherapy.
Here Nick awaits while she finishes one of the sessions...


Even in pain and dealing with her organs shutting down, with the help of morphine, Katie took care of every single part of the wedding planning.
Her dress had to be adjusted several times due to Katie 's constant weight loss.


An expected guest was her oxygen tank. Katie had to use it during the ceremony and reception.
The other couple in this picture is Nick's parents, very emotional with the wedding and to see their son marrying the girl he fell in love when he was an adolescent.


Katie , in a wheel chair listening to her husband and friends singing to her.


In the middle of the party, Katie had to rest for a bit and catch her breath.
The pain does not allow her to stand for long period of time.


Katie died 5 days after her wedding.

Nick said of the wedding and Katie’s passing:

It was wonderful. It was a dream come true. She was the most beautiful angel ever—just caring and selfless, and such an inspiration to everyone. She was always smiling no matter what happened, no matter what news she got. She was as close to perfect as they come.

Katie Kirkpatrick’s story reminds me of 1 Cor 13. Love never fails & it conquers all.

1st Family Overseas Trip - 3D2N BATAM

Since James was away for a whole month last month, we been pondering on a short getaway to spend some quality time together, a relaxing one given my pregnancy state. However, we decided to bring Charis along since we can't bear to leave her behind while we enjoy ourselves somewhere far away. We also asked my sisters along since it is no longer another honeymoon with Charis around anyway...

We stayed in Harris Resort - a family oriented resort with their own bowling alleys, big swimming pool, kids club, ktv, flying fox, bicycles & board games rental etc. But I love their staffs' service the most - warm, friendly & very helpful. However, the resort is located at such a ulu pandan place. Just to reach the town by car takes us half an hour...

Charis always love to go out (in her terms, its "gai gai"), so she was smiling, laughing & giggling the whole time for the 1st 2 days. My sisters even commented the person who enjoyed the most for this trip must definitely be her. The time we spend together also created an obvious closer bond although it was only 3 days.

I must say I am very pleased & even proud of her because she was very well-behaved (except for that few moments of mischiefs). For the city tour, she never made any noise throughout the whole day bus trip even though she was very tired. She just lie down on James' lap peacefully & even sat quietly with us throughout the meals. Many praised her for being such a good girl!

The drama (or trauma) happened on the last day in the return ferry trip. She finally gave in to her tiredness & she was very cranky in the ferry, crying for 3/4 of the ferry journey. Everyone was looking at us & I was so embarrassed, but there was just no way to quieten her down. Stressed... I guessed 2 days is her maximum limit for overseas trip & before that, we were even thinking of bringing her to Japan next year after I'd given birth.. Hopefully bieng older, she can cope better by then.

As for me, I was totally exhausted by the end of the 2nd day. One of my sisters was pick-pocketed (pls buy travel insurance whenever u travel), & we had to go through some hassles & "bribes" to make a police report. By the time we reached back the hotel, I was so exhausted that I vomited all my dinner & fell asleep straight once my head hit the bed.

I felt better when I woke up the next day, & it brightened my morning just to see Charis having fun at the baby pool. However I was so irritated with Charis in the ferry that it kind of affected my mood & made me even more tired. I guessed things would be better if I am not pregnant, as it means I will be less tired & more patient.

But despite of all the discomfort & tiredness, it was most rewarding to see Charis enjoying herself so much. I guessed that's always in a parent's heart - just to see their child smile.

Whom Jesus Loves

James, being in Brunei for the past one month & for the next coming month, may not be with me now, but nevertheless, I know that my Jesus is with me.

When I feel so exhausted, sick, & uncomfortable, He is with me.

When I feel so lonely & restless, He is with me.

When I just want to talk to somebody & there's no one, He is with me.

When I get emotional because of my pregnancy hormones, He is with me.

When I feel so helpless taking care of Charis alone, He is with me.

Jesus loves me, calls me His own.
Jesus loves me, He makes me whole.
Jesus loves me, heart overflows.
It is well, it is well with my soul.