When Charis cry, I wanna cry too :'(

Auntie Jiaoyi (confinement lady) left yesterday morning & I wonder if that's the reason that Charis had been very difficult yesterday. She was very whinny in the morning & kept wanting me to carry her. Then she cried non-stop for 3 hours in the night. No matter how I tried to comfort or reassure her, she just can't stop crying. I felt so stressed & helpless when she's behaving like this that I almost cried along with her. The worst is I had a very severe headache too, & I still have to wake up despite the headache to feed her in the night. Parenting can be so hard... but it's a process that I must go through, so I will grit my teeth hard & be positive about it! :)

Auntie Jiaoyi with Charis

Today is the first day I'm home alone with her. I think bathing her is the biggest hurdle that I'd crossed. She cried on Sunday when I tried to bathe her for the 1st time as she was so scared, & it didn't help that I was nervous too. She didn't cry when I bathe her yesterday & this morning to my relief, so I gotta keep it up! She also didn't demand me carrying her a lot this morning :) I hope she'll keep up her good mood :) I'm going for an appointment tonight, & I'm quite confident James can handle her pretty well. I think she'll be sleeping by the time I come home :'( Do you think she can sense my absence & will miss me too?

Missed JAMs

Yesterday James & me went out again to Compass Point shopping centre. It's the 3rd time I went out in the midst of our confinement. My sister asked me if it's alright to go out while I'm on confinement; I sheepishly replied, "why not?" Hee. It was good to go out for me. At least, I can have a breather from the stress at home. Also, James & me can finally spend some time alone. He even kept tempting me by asking me if I want to eat Mac french fries & ice cream... I still have some discipline to reject though... Never mind, another one week more :)

I saw some very cute jelly, and wanted to buy for my N11 students from JAMs. James put it back & told me to buy them only when I'm about to return to serve, so that the jelly will be fresh. I felt sad for a moment. Didn't realised I missed my students until then... I'd been asking Rebecca about them all this while, & every time she'll tell me that the students kept asking about me & when I'll return. So touched! I'm coming back soon! Wait for me!

Mixed Feelings...

My 1 month confinement is gonna be over in another 3 days... which also means I gonna start work soon :'( A lot of people told me to rest longer, and I wish as much too... but at the back of my mind is always the career benefit. I gotta clear my career benefit target by end of November.

Honestly, I wish I don't have to start work so soon so that I can spend more time with Charis. Yet, on the other hand, although work is stressful, I do look forward to it too. You hardly meet people who look forward to working right? I look forward to it because I want to clear my career benefit target faster to set my heart at ease earlier. Another motivation is also my bunch of wonderful colleagues! :)

I don't know if I can adapt to working life & being a mother... There's a lot of issues at the back of my mind... eg. how many night appointments should I have weekly so that I can still spend time with Charis? How should I plan my work schedule? Do I leave her over the night at my sister's house or should I bring her home? If I bring her home over the night, will James be too tired to work the next day? Can I cope taking care of Charis alone the next day when James is not around? So many questions... I'll just have to take one step at a time...

Also, my sister can't take care of Charis in the weekends, so now James & me have to think hard how to attend church service & serve in JAMs too. We wanted to bring her to JAMs so that both of us can still serve, but Joli advised us not to. She said one of the students hit a newcomer's baby recently & had to go to the hospital for a head scan... better don't risk it... But we'll definitely bring her to JAMs when she's older because we want her to know that there's such a special group of people around her, & we want to teach her to love & serve them even when she's young. That's why we named her "Charis". God does not depise our youth, & I believe she can help in her little ways too. "As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord!" We wanted to bring her to church service too, but many advised us against it until she's at least 3 months old... Hmm... we'll have to pray hard for creative solutions... I haven't been attending service because of my confinement & I missed the presence of God.

A Confinement Lady Works Wonders

I'm so glad for my confinement lady. Although we are paying alot for her services ($1,900/mth), but I'm so glad I'd made that choice of hiring one. She relieves us so much of the housework, and now, I even have time to go online or watch my Hongkong drama serials dvds.

I can't wait to go out though, even though I already shop at Punggol Plaza last Thursday. I already plan to go out on Monday since it's a public holiday! So excited about it le! :D

Little Angel

I'd created Baby Charis' blog a few weeks ago. It's titled "God's little angel", & she's our dearest angel too! :D Welcome to her blog http://www.iluvcharis.blogspot.com/

The first few days that we brought her home was pretty tough for me. I find it hard to accept the fact that I'm really a mummy now and that she's my girl. One moment, she was in my tummy; the next moment, she's alive and kicking. I feel helpless as a mummy because I don't really know how to take care of her. And the worst experience was breastfeeding. She simply won't suckle, and when she does, my nipples are sore from her suckling. As she won't suckle, I'll have to pump out the milk every 2-3 hours. It makes me so busy that I don't really have the time to rest although I know I'm supposed to be lying down in bed most of the times. Sitting down for long period of time pumping the milk also worsen my backaches, sometimes so severe that I'm not able to get up after sitting down. I think if I don't insist on breastfeeding, life would be so much easier... but for Charis' well-being... after all, all mummy are "wei da"!

However, I'm really grateful that Charis is an easy baby to take care. She has a very good temper and don't really cry much. Even when she does cry, she never wails. And she's easily comforted as well; just carry her for a while, talk to her and assure her, and voila! She's a happy baby! Even when she's not feeling well, she doesn't throw tantrums. Isn't she adorable? :D She just makes me fall in love with her more with each passing day! So, all the sacrifices are worth it. But till now, I still love James more than her! Heehee...

Precious Life

I've just read a friend's blog and realised about her miscarriage. In fact, her miscarriage happened only 4 days after Charis' birth. I felt so touched and had to hold back my tears as I read it.

This is from her blog, and I hope it will encourage every mothers to love their children more, and for those mothers who had lost theirs, to be able to move on courageously.

"After my miscarriage last Saturday, there was one book which I really wanted to read - "Jesse - Found In Heaven" by Chris Pringle. Thanks to Steven and Lydia, who went to church early Sunday morning to get the book for us. I've given mine to a friend's sister, who had lost her twins before they were born.

Reading that book again brought much comfort, encouragement and healing to my heart. A line from the book that brought tears to my eyes says, "...even miscarried infants were raised in full angelic care and couldn't wait to meet their mothers in heaven one day."Last Saturday, before I was being pushed into the Operating Theatre, I asked the nurse what they would do to the foetus. For a split second, she hesitated, and then said gently, "Usually we'll just put everything into a jar and it'll be discarded."

There are people who think that a foetus in the womb is not really considered a life, or a human being, yet. That's why there are people who think nothing of miscarriages or even abortion. I've read that women who have a miscarriage after they're 20 weeks pregnant (or 20-something, I can't really recall), are encouraged to hold their infant after she's been removed from the womb. They can even hold funerals or memorial services for these infants. But not so for those who miscarry before 20 weeks. The foetus is simply discarded.This is the ultrasound image of Baby Kae, on the first day of my bleeding, which was also the day we first heard her heartbeat. This is also the only 'picture' we have of her. She was only about 1 cm long. So tiny.

Interestingly, on that same morning, a few hours before I started bleeding, I read a weekly newsletter from Baby Centre, which I'd subscribed to. The newsletter provides a week-by-week decription of the development of a foetus. In week 5 of pregnancy, the foetus' heart has already began to beat and pump blood. The intestines are developing and the appendix is already in place. In week 6, the foetus' facial features are already beginning to form, with dark spots where the eyes are, openings where the nostrils will be, and pits to mark the ears. The hands and feet look like paddles. The heart is now beating at 150 beats per minute. The brain has already started to develop. In week 7, the foetus' fingers and toes are more distinct. Her liver is churning out large amounts of red blood cells. The teeth and palate are forming! That's how much Baby Kae has grown so far...

To say that a foetus is not a life, nor a human being? Nothing could be further away from the truth. For the past few days, I have been grieving. Tears will just flow, as I go about my daily activities. While playing with Isaac and Jaden, I will try to hold back the tears. Friends, colleagues and family members have been wonderful. I want to thank all of you who have sent us SMSes, emails and notes to encourage and comfort us. Your words of kindness have brought warmth and comfort to our hearts.We're feeling better now. In a sense, our life is somehow changed, because we will always remember the child whom we've lost. Yet, there is a comfort and a hope, that she is happy and well. In heaven, raised by angels. And we will see her one day, when we enter into heaven... where...

"Our lost children are there.Safe. Whole. Healed. Growing. Nurtured.Waiting for us." "Safe in angels' arms,far from here.Our children run and playthrough streets so fair."(Chris Pringle, "Jesse - Found In Heaven")
"Nobody speaks of the tiny souls lost,
too small to hug and too small to say goodbye to.
They are but a whisper on our breath."
(Chris Pringle, "Jesse - Found In Heaven")"

Finally it's over!

I went to visit Dr Woo again on last Monday, and he asked me if I'm ready for induced labor. I asked him, "how soon"? His reply was simply "tonight". Just one word and my life has changed forever. We booked ourselves into Mount Alvernia Hospital (MAH) shortly after midnight. I felt the whole process was more like booking for a 3D2N hotel stay or a 3D2N short holiday trip, only that this time, we'll be coming home with an additional member :)

The nurse put a pill into my virginal to soften my womb for labor within minutes after "checking" into my room. MAH is so efficient. The pill started some mild contractions, but it wasn't very uncomfortable yet, so I could still fell asleep for about 3 hours.

The pain gotten worse in the early morning, but was still bearable. At about 9am, the nurse started me on a drip to cause the contractions to quicken, and the pain became so unbearable that I felt like crying out loud. Only pride stopped me from doing so, hehe. When the nurse asked me if I wanted laughing gas to ease the pain, I even told her, "I don't need it". Once she left the room, I immediately used it! But I realised it doesn't help much :'( I still continued to hold on to it though just to make myself feels better. Silly me!

Dr Woo came to check on me about 10am. By then, I have gone all pale, so he asked me if I want epidural. I told him later but this time, I wasn't sure how long more I can hold on. I kept telling myself, "15 minutes more & I'll call for the epidural", then "another 15 minutes more". James went down to grab some sandwich for his brunch and came back with an Eeyore soft toy to cheer me up. I felt so happy to see it! :)

By 11am, I simply couldn't take it anymore. The pain was so intense that even telling the nurse that I want the epidural is an effort now. The specialist only administered the epidural drug close to 12pm because he had to rush down from Thomson Medical Centre. I thought if he drag some more, I would have died and gone to heaven. Once the drug took effect, the pain was all gone! Epidural is one of God's greatest invention! I even managed to sleep for a while ;) I thought since the whole process can be so painless, I don't mind having a second child again.

Dr Woo came to check on me again at 2pm. I am already dilated 6cm, but baby's head is still not moving downwards... The nurse said I may have to go for cesarean in this case. James spoke to Charis and told her to shift down. Miraculously, she did! By 2.30pm, Dr Woo says I'm already dilated 10cm and is all ready to push! :) Feeling real excited!

It was a mistake for all the excitement... I didn't know it would be so painful and tiring! I didn't expect that they would remove my epidural so that my legs would not be too numb to push, and they need me to feel the contraction pains to push. For the next long 1.5hrs, all I did was push, pant, push, pant,... I was panting so hard that they even need to put me on oxygen mask! But no matter how hard I tried to push, Charis doesn't seems to be moving down at all. The midwife even suggested assisted delivery (vacuum) or cesarean. Thank God Dr Woo insisted no vacuum or cesarean. As Charis is too small, the force of the vacuum may caused her head to bleed. So Dr Woo asked the midwife to help me to "push". They roped in another midwife, and yes, both of them really pushed my tummy with all their might! Their pushing were even more painful than thcontractions! I decided then no second child... (of course I may change my mind along the way). Nevertheless, the method worked, because Charis was finally born on 25th August, 1600hr! :-D

When Charis first came out, she neither cry immediately, nor did Dr Woo hold her upside down and slap her on her backside to make her cry. I must have been watching too much drama... She only cried 1 min later. She was also not very bloody looking, but whitish looking... again, too much drama...

I am finally a proud mummy! Cheers to all the great mummys!